Lovelight November 2006

LOVELIGHT

Magazine

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November 2006*** Volume 3, no. 11

Managing editors: Richard Shining Thunder Francis and Adamaria Francis

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Contributors to this issue are: Pat Fields, Chris Finer, Mark Franzen, Mick Gallagher, Brenda Lee, Organic Consumers' Association, Ty Scharrer, Karleen Sell, Geoffrey Stoermer, Alma Turner

LOVELIGHT MAGAZINE: WHAT WE'RE ALL ABOUT

Lovelight magazine is free. It comes directly to your inboxscreen once a month, to bring a little sunshine into your life. We hope to bring you at least a few laughs, in the "Humor Therapy" section. So, if you discover any jokes that make you roar with laughter, please send them along. But life, as we know, is not all laughs. So, we hope also to share with you some pleasant and sweet thoughts-- and life-lessons.

Lovelight wants to promote peace and harmony. We would also love to aid you personally to overcome any problems that you might have. If you are working on any religious, psychological, or spiritual problems, we encourage you to write to us at rmfrancis@juno.com

We also want to present "miniparables" to help you grow. So, if you come across any wise or touching pieces, not copyrighted, fairly short, please share them with the efamily. Please send them to the magazine, at the same address. Also welcome are practical tips that can make life easier or safer. We also welcome short pieces on personal philosophies, interesting facts, wordplays, and spirituality, especially those that emphasize the value of compassion and other forms of Love. We reserve the right to make whatever changes that we deem necessary or desirable before inclusion in Lovelight magazine.

Your email name/address will not be shared. Please share, send, or copy, this magazine, or any parts of it. Share it with all your friends, and all others. Please use it on your websites. Also, if your friends are inclined, please have them send us their emailaddress and request a personal subscription.

This is published as a "light" introduction to spirituality. It is designed especially for those who have little or no interest in the "heavier" aspects. Indeed, it has proved useful to reach them. And it is also great, fun reading for all the rest of us!:) A collection of magazines is produced once a year, and would make a sweet gift for a loved one. Happy reading!:)

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DAMAGED CATHOLICISM, sent in by Mick Gallagher

"FROM THOSE WONDERFUL FOLKS WHO BROUGHT YOU THE INQUISITION!"

"What profit has not that fable of Christ brought us!"

Pope Leo X (Encyc. Brit., 14th Ed. xix, pg. 217)

"A curse on him who is lax in doing the LORD's work! A curse on him who keeps his sword from bloodshed!" -- Jeremiah 48:10, Motto of Pope Gregory VII.

"Kill them all. Let God sort them out!" -- Attributed to various sources, including Pope Innocent III, Abbot Arnold Amaury, and Saint Dominic, at the genocide of the Albigensians.

"I am surrounded by priests who repeat incessantly that their kingdom is not of this world, and yet they lay their hands on everything they can get." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

The Bible devotes some 500 verses on prayer, less than 500 verses on faith, but over 2000 verses on money and possessions.

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INTRODUCTION

Quite a few people have asked why I put this page together. They argue that even if I am correct, and that there are no gods, what can the harm be in letting others believe in gods and goddesses.

My answer is that I have no problem with people believing what they want, so long as their beliefs are NOT used as an excuse to inflict harm upon others, extract wealth from them, enslave them, or to justify wars. My problem is with organizations created solely to exploit myths and beliefs for wealth and commercial power. History proves that religion is a tool of human enslavement. Even the Bible approves of slavery.

LEVITICUS 25:44-46

As for your male and female slaves whom you may have; you may buy male and female slaves from among the nations that are round you. You may also buy from among the strangers who sojourn with you and their families that are with you, who have been born in your land; and they may be your property. You may bequeath them to your sons and after you, to inherit as a possession forever; you may make slaves of them, but over your brethren the people of Israel you shall not rule, one over the other, with harshness.

No religion has ever set its followers free from the oppressions of the organized hierarchy of that religion (with the possible exception of the historical Jesus himself). Religion teaches unquestioning obedience. Religion is slavery. I oppose such slavery as earnestly and staunchly as my ancestors opposed the slave ships and the slave policies of the Confederacy.

I am not anti god (for one can hardly oppose something which does not exist). I simply wish to set people free from all forms of oppression and exploitation.

The ruling elite loves a population trained from birth to confuse beliefs with the real world. It is much easier to rule a population, pillage them with taxes, or send them off to fight a war, if the ruler is not required to prove the reality of his or her propositions and statements. This is why, since the dawn of civilizations, governments encourage their people to be ruled by beliefs and not by reason. It takes chains of steel to enslave a rational human, but all the rest may be enslaved by a belief.

1. DOES BELIEF ALONE PROVE THE EXISTENCE OF THE GODS?

Throughout history, a wide variety of religions worshiping Molech, Baal, Odin, Jupiter, Zeus, Ahura Mazda, Jehovah, Allah, Quetzalcoatl, Coatlicue, Vishna, and others far too numerous to elucidate here have come and gone.

The followers of each of these religions believed that theirs was the true faith and contained within it the correct answers to life's great questions. All too often, as will be seen below, followers of a faith were ever eager to cut the throats of those who disagreed with them.

But on many of the most basic aspects, mankind's multitude of religious thoughts contradict each other. On what would seem to be the most basic truth of all, just how many gods there are, the various religions throughout the world are in complete disagreement. It therefore follows that most of the world's religions, if indeed not all of them, do not have the correct answer to the basic question of how many gods there are. They cannot. For one to be correct means the others are incorrect. Yet the followers of each religion believe they are correct, even though this is impossible.

Ergo, belief that one is correct is not in and of itself proof that one is correct.

2. PROOF THAT THERE ARE NO GODS.

If one posits the existence of a god or gods able to communicate their presence to human minds, then as an inevitable result of the existence of that god or gods, it would be expected that all humans, or at least the priests who claim communications with the god(s), would have a unanimity of opinion as to how many gods there are.

Likewise, if one posits the existence of a god or gods able to communicate their existence to human minds, then as an inevitable result of the existence of that god or gods, able to communicate to human minds, all theologies would be in accord, and there would be no need for missionaries, let alone inquisitions and holy crusades.

But there is a diversity of opinions as to how many gods there are. And there are missionaries, crusades, the inquisition, and the burning of a million heretics.

The world is not as it would be if there was a god or gods which could communicate their existence to the minds of humankind. None of the conditions which must inevitably follow the existence of a god or gods able to communicate their existence to the minds of humankind can be found anywhere on Earth.

Quod Erat Demonstrandum, no such gods exist.

3. WHAT IS THE TRUE NATURE OF RELIGION?

Our knowledge of what we think the world to be is largely determined by what we are taught in our youth, usually at an age before we understand that there is such a thing as deception. Lessons learned at an early age become the core of emerging personality, and even when recognized as being in error, can be unlearned only through an intense effort of will.

One of the most common devices used to teach falsehoods is the "everybody knows" method. Such lessons are above the need for proof and are never questioned because, after all, "everybody knows"...

For example, "Everybody knows" that religion is generally a source of good. But those who hold such an opinion are woefully ignorant of the actual facts, which show that religion, throughout its long and bloodstained history, has been a tool of enslavement. The Egyptians built the pyramids by promising the workers a life after death. The Vikings made the price of the afterlife to die with a sword in ones hand. The families of the Crusaders gained heaven only through the bloody deeds of the Crusader himself.

"Heresy" is a bad word to Christians. But to know why, you need to understand what the word actually means. "Heresy" comes from the Greek "hairesis", meaning "free choice". That's what religion opposes when it opposes heresy; free choice. Heretics are people who decide for themselves what to think and when to think it. Religions do not like that sort of behavior. They burn heretics.

It is not possible to understand Christianity by reading only the Bible, no more than it is possible to understand the Nazis by reading only the propaganda written by Joseph Goebels. Just as Goebels' propaganda was prone to show the Nazis in the best possible light, so too is the Bible a work designed to convince the unwary that Christians are peaceful harmless individuals concerned only with the spiritual well being of all they encounter. The Bible is biased. The Bible is spin. The Bible presents less than the complete truth.

To learn the reality behind Christianity, like the reality behind the Nazis, it is necessary to eschew what is said in favor of what is actually done.

4. JESUS, THE HERETIC

Up to the time of the historical Jesus, communication with the gods was exclusively the province of the priests. The common folk were not allowed to look on the gods, or even to speak their names. Only the priests were empowered to intercede with the gods, for which service they extorted (as they do to this very day) a heavy toll.

The historical Jesus introduced a daring new idea; that everyone could talk to their god directly, without a priest. Even in the canonical Bible, in Luke, the Lord's Prayer is introduced when one of Jesus' followers asks him how to pray. This is an important clue, since it reveals that the people of the historical Jesus' time did not know how to pray. It was a skill they had been told was forbidden to them. Likewise, in the Gospel of Saint Thomas (admitted even by the church to be the only surviving contemporaneous record of the words of the historical Jesus but still declared a heresy) the historical Jesus speaks of God as being not in the sky, not hidden in mansions of wood or stone, but being everywhere, available to all people at all times.

This one idea, that ordinary people could communicate to their gods directly without priests or temples, although quite acceptable today, was radical in the extreme in Jesus' time! The idea that common people could pray directly to the gods was a heresy and a dangerous threat to the power and wealth not only of the Jewish Sanhedron, but to the Roman temples as well. The historical Jesus broke the toll gate to heaven; giving to the people for free what the priests of the temples had always charged for, access to the gods!

The historical Jesus himself lived in relative poverty. There is no indication that he ever passed a collection plate, or solicited money for his teachings. The incident with the money changers at the temple showed the disdain that the historical Jesus had for churches as financial operations.

Jesus himself came from a moneyed family. While the church portrays Jesus and his father as poor carpenters as part of the program to persuade church followers to live poor lives (thereby donating the excess to the church), there is nothing in the original Biblical texts that refers to Joseph's actual occupation. He is described merely as a "Master of the craft" (meaning simply, "A scholarly person"), which early translators mistranslated into "Craftsman", then in English to "Carpenter".

Following the departure of the historical Jesus, virtually everyone in the religion "business" would have immediately set about moving the gods back into a remote heaven, behind locked doors to which the priests alone held the keys. A vital clue to this agenda lies in the Lord's Prayer itself. The commonly accepted English translation of the first line goes, "Our Father, who art in Heaven...", yet an examination of the original Aramaic reveals that this is a deliberate mistranslation of, "Our Father, which art everywhere..."

5. THE "OTHER" CHURCH OF JESUS.

There are numerous indications that, contrary to Catholic dogma, there was a Christian church that existed separate from the early Catholics, a church that was a major threat to the early Catholics because it laid a claim to the historical Jesus the Catholics could not compete with, one of blood lineage!

This is a much stronger claim to the church of Christ than the Catholics could produce, since their claim to rulership is based on "Apostolic descent" in a supposed unbroken line from Saint Peter, who is popularly portrayed as the first Bishop of Rome. Yet an examination of the Vatican's own records shows that Peter was never a Bishop, of Rome or anywhere else for that matter. The real first Bishop of Rome, according to Vatican records, was Prince Linus of Britain, the son of Caractacus the Pendragon. He was installed by St. Paul in AD 58, during Peter's own lifetime. Peter never got a shot at that center seat.

One clue lies in the story of the quest for the Holy Grail. Christians are taught that the Grail is the cup used for Passover by Jesus, which was then "the vessel that caught the blood" of the crucified Jesus. Throughout the years, the Catholic church has taught that "Grail" means "cup". But the word "Grail" does not appear in the Bible, nor even the story of the Passover cup being used to catch the blood of Jesus. It is not until the year 1207 that any literary works can be found that describe the Grail as a cup. Prior to that, the "the vessel that caught the blood of Jesus" is always written as "Sangrael", which translates literally as "Blood royal", as in "bloodline", or lineage. Thus, the "the vessel that caught the blood" of the historical Jesus was not a drinking cup that grabbed a horrid souvenir of his crucifixion, but the woman who carried his heredity, Mary Magdalene!

Clearly, a group of Christians led by the actual descendants of the historical Jesus was something the early Catholics would not have been able to compete with. So, the existence of such a lineage had to be hidden from the followers of the early Catholic church. The metaphor of the "the vessel that caught the blood royal" was popularly portrayed as a cup, something that wasn't a threat to the Catholics because no amount of searching would ever find it. If fools thought they were looking for a cup, then they were NOT looking for the historical Jesus' descendants. Meanwhile, to further discourage the idea of a dynastic lineage from Jesus, women were quickly excluded from any positions within the early orthodox Christian church, and the women in Jesus' life were made to seem as abnormal as possible, with Mary Magdalene portrayed as a whore, and Jesus' mother portrayed as bearing a child without sex.

On examination of the claim of a virgin birth, we find yet another of the modern day Bible's egregious mistranslations.

The original Latin word describing Mary was, "Virgo", which means only that she was a young woman. The Latin words for a young women without sexual experience, "Virgo intacta" do not appear in the Latin biblical texts which predate the modern Bible. That the claim of a virgin birth was not in the original Bible is further revealed by the fact that Jesus' patriarchal lineage back to King David, which would be irrelevant in the context of a virgin birth without an earthly father, is listed in the Bible (That Jesus family were descendants of King David is another clue that their livelihood did not depend on carpentry).

The early Catholic church was a huge profit machine. The historical Jesus had taught that Christianity did not require an expensive priesthood or "mansions of wood and stone", and over time, the Catholic papacy attained an advantage in wealth and political power over the growing church of the descendants of the historical Jesus, then centered in Southern France, and set out to exterminate them.

This is the story of the Cathars and the Merovingian Kings, declared en masse to be heretics by the Catholics and exterminated. The official pretext given was the failure by the Cathars to pay a tax to the Catholics. But in an age when the Catholics were regularly setting out to exterminate the Jews, one more group of non Catholics on the hate list did not seem strange.

What was strange was the treatment of devout Catholics living in the Cathar lands. When Domingo De Guzman, commander of the Pope's forces, prepared to storm the city of Carcasonne, last stronghold of the Albigensians, a subordinate asked what was to be done to preserve the lives of the devout Catholics known to live within the city walls. Domingo De Guzman replied with the quote seen at the top of this page, "Kill them all, let God sort them out", which is exactly what the Pope's forces did.

Most people would regard the killing of loyal followers of the invading church as a particularly psychotic act, but the Catholic church applauded this act of butchery and eventually made Domingo De Guzman into Saint Dominic.

This massacre of devout Catholics within the city and the rewarding of their killer with a sainthood makes sense only if the Catholic church thought that the Catholics living with the Cathars had learned something from the Cathars that they were never supposed to know; such as the possibility that Jesus had left living descendants. This was a knowledge so threatening to the Catholic church that even those who merely knew of it had to be exterminated!

Eventually, the extermination of the Cathars resulted in the murder of half the population of Southern France. Following the war, the Catholics established the Office of the Holy Inquisition, and while its reign of terror touched many groups (including the Rivero family in Spain), and murdered many millions of people, its primary focus remained hunting down and killing every single Cathar, with the last known one being burned at the stake in 1324, taking with him (it was assumed) the terrible secret that the Catholic church, even as it exploited the image of the historical Jesus to enrich and empower itself, had hunted down and killed that same Jesus' descendants!

3 THINGS, sent in by Alma Turner

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -

1. Time

2. Words

3. Opportunity

Three things in life that can destroy a person -

1. Anger

2. Pride

3. Unforgiveness

Three things in life that you should never lose-

1. Hope

2. Peace

3. Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable -

1. Love

2. Family & Friends

3. Kindness

Three things in life that are never certain -

1. Fortune

2. Success

3. Dreams

Three things that make a person -

1. Commitment

2. Sincerity

3. Hard work

Three things that are truly constant - Father - Son - Holy Spirit

I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today; to guide you

and protect you, as you go along your way. God's love is always with you,

God's promises are true. And when you give God all your cares, you know God will

see you through. Pass this along to People you want God to Bless - I just did!

New Report: Tobacco "Racketeers" Gave Nearly $3 Million in Federal Political Contributions So Far in 2005-2006 Election Cycle

Washington, DC - Just weeks after a federal judge found that the major cigarette manufacturers have violated civil racketeering laws and defrauded the American people, a new study released today by the Tobacco-Free Kids Action Fund and Common Cause shows that federal political candidates, parties and committees have accepted nearly $3 million in contributions from tobacco companies so far in the 2005-2006 election cycle. In the current election cycle, 257 U.S. representatives and senators (48 percent) have accepted contributions from tobacco political action committees (PACs).

Since 1997, the tobacco industry has made more than $32.8 million in federal political contributions, including $16.8 million in soft money and nearly $16 million in PAC contributions, according to the report.

In light of the recent court ruling, the Tobacco-Free Kids Action Fund called on all political candidates to return campaign contributions from tobacco companies, reject future contributions and pledge their independence from Big Tobacco by supporting legislation that would allow the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to regulate tobacco products.

"The tobacco companies have been found guilty of a 50 year conspiracy of lies, deception, disease, and death and of continuing to violate the law, but members of Congress are still taking millions of dollars from them and failing to take action to protect kids," said William V. Corr, executive director of the Tobacco-Free Kids Action Fund. "Our leaders should stand up to the tobacco companies, return their contributions and reject future donations from this rogue industry."

"Despite court findings that tobacco companies hurt the public interest by lying about the dangers of smoking and marketing products to children, the cigarette makers through generous campaign contributions have maintained access and influence to Members of Congress who are supposed to be protecting the public good," said Common Cause President Chellie Pingree. "The tobacco industry and its allies continue to buy their way around Capitol Hill at the public's peril."

The top 20 recipients of tobacco contributions in Congress so far in the 2005-2006 election cycle:

Top 10 Senators	Contribution Totals	Top 10 Representatives	Contribution Totals
George Allen (R-VA)	$34,000	Ron Lewis (R-KY)	$34,500
Conrad Burns (R-MT)	$29,500	Eric Cantor (R-VA)	$26,750
John Ensign (R-NV)	$28,500	Jim McCrery (R-LA)	$25,500
Rick Santorum (R-PA)	$22,000	Robin Hayes (R-NC)	$25,000
Ben Nelson (D-NE)	$20,500	Henry Bonilla (R-TX)	$22,000
Orrin Hatch (R-UT)	$16,000	John Boehner (R-OH)	$21,000
Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)	$14,000	Edward Whitfield (R-KY)	$21,000
Richard Burr (R-NC)	$13,128	Mark Kennedy (R-MN)	$19,000
Elizabeth Dole (R-NC)	$13,000	Mike McIntyre (D-NC)	$19,000
Norm Coleman (R-MN)	$12,000	Allen Boyd (D-FL)	$18,000

In addition to individual contributions, tobacco PACs have donated more than $1.2 million to non-candidate committees, including leadership PACs affiliated with individual members of Congress.

Name of Leadership PAC	Affiliated Member of Congress	Contribution Totals
Freedom Project	John Boehner (R-OH)	$41,000
Every Republican is Crucial	Eric Cantor (R-VA)	$36,000
Together for our Majority PAC	Tom Reynolds (R-NY)	$35,000
New Republican Majority Fund	Trent Lott (R-MS)	$30,000
Rely on Your Beliefs Fund	Roy Blunt (R-MO)	$27,000
Bluegrass Committee	Mitch McConnell (R-KY)	$25,128
Senate Victory Fund PAC	Thad Cochran (R-MS)	$25,000
Republican Majority Fund	Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)	$24,500
Committee for the Preservation of Capitalism	Jim McCrery (R-LA)	$22,500

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LOVELETTERS FROM BUDS, PALS, AND FRIENDS

From Brenda Lee

Hi shi,

…I feel your book is one of the best I've ever read about the Watchtower. My friend, Darlene, is reading it right now and she's about 75% done…. She told me she is absolutely LOVING it. She wasn't ever baptized as a JW and yet her mother and brother shun both her and her disabled daughter! Unbelievable….

Thanks again! I will give you feedback when I have read it. I'd like to quote some of it in a future newsletter and give you some real accolades, if I may. :)

How's the radio program going?

Truth, love & light,
Brenda Lee

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From Karleen Sell

The body seems to understand that at times the mind may not accept what the brain receives. It just hangs in there and keeps on sending the message. This is a true friend!

Shrub!!!! Got to love that! However, it is indeed an insult to even the lowliest of shrubs! What can I say!

There is a book out on the lack of mental health, or the mental state of said shrub, by some psychologist. A friend told me about it but I don't know the name. It is obvious, however, that NO ONE in this administration is anywhere near mentally balanced. In their imaginary little worlds they are free to be whomever they want and to order about whomever they please. I feel that they should don military garb and walk through the streets of Baghdad for two weeks. OUTSIDE of the green zone where drinks and parties are a part of life in the unreal world, while the soldiers, our young men and women, mothers and grandfathers, face the real dangers of this immoral and illegal war. These guys all ignored the Vietnam war. I guess too many Americans have forgotten that. Also, too many Americans have forgotten that we cannot rule the world, we must not sacrifice our military personnel for someone's whim. They are for the defense of our country. And, Richard,have you heard that the CIA has quietly shut down the search for Osama? I am waiting to hear what DeWine and Chabot say about that. Actually, DeWine is the only one who ever answers my emails. Voinovich and Chabot are silent as much as the rest of the Congress!

Well, busy ones, look forward to hearing you on Sunday Evening! Take care and Love, Love,

Karleen

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CAN A GOOD MUSLIM BE A GOOD AMERICAN?, sent in by Mark Franzen

I sent this question to a friend who worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years.

The following is his reply:

Theologically - no. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia.***Religiously - no. Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah except Islam (Quran, 2:256).***Scripturally - no. Because his allegiance is to the five pillars of Islam and the Quran (Koran).***Geographically - no. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day.***Socially - no. Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews.***Politically - no. Because he must submit to the mullah (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and Destruction of America, the great Satan.***Domestically - no. Because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran 4:34).***Intellectually - no. Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.***Philosophically - no Because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran do not allow

freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.***Spiritually - no. Because when we declare "one nation under God," the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as heavenly father, nor is he ever called "Love" in The Quran's "99 excellent names."

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Therefore, after much study and deliberation, perhaps we should be very suspicious of some Muslims in this country. They obviously cannot be both "good" Muslims and good Americans. Call it what you wish. It's still the truth.

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MEMORABLE WORDS, sent in by Pat Fields

"We live in the present, we dream of the future and we learn eternal truths from the past."-- Soong Mei-Ling Political leader

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"Whatever is enough is abundant in the eyes of virtue."-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (c. 4 BCE-65 CE) Philosopher and statesman

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"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."-- Henry Adams (1838-1918) Writer and historian

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GASPS, CRIES, AND LAUGHS: HUMORTHERAPY

MISUNDERSTANDING ABOUT MISSISSIPPI, sent in by Geoffrey Stoermer

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foulmouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my friend-a how to spell Mississippi'."

***

WHAT SCHOOL, OR PLANET, ARE YOU FROM?, sent in by Ty Scharrer

S.A.T. (scholarly aptitude test) Test questions for Florida students and their answers:

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.***Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.***Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: premature death.***Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.***Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.

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DON'T MESS WITH THEM KIDS, sent in by Chris Finer

Seven reasons not to mess with children:

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated incorrectly that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

***

KID QUOTES, sent in by Chris Finer

"This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles."-- Kelly (age 6).***"Oysters' balls are called pearls."-- James (age 6).***"If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent."-- Wayne (age 7).***"A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head."-- Billy (age 8).

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DOGS' AND CATS' DIARIES, sent in by Chris Finer

The dog's diary: 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am: Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon: Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm: Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm: Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm: Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm: Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm: Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm: Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm: Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm: Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

The cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh food, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I might eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed, (or car.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

***

WILDERNESS, AMERICAN STYLE, sent in by Ty Scharrer

Forest Service Comment Cards:

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."***"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."***"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth."***"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."***"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."***"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."***"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."***"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."***"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."***"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."***"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."***"Need more signs to keep area pristine."***"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."***"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."***"Too many rocks in the mountains."

*****

TWO POEMS OF COMFORT, sent in by Pat Fields

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there , I do not sleep .

I am a thousand Winds that blow;

I am the diamond glints on Snow .

I am the Sun Light on ripened grain;

I am the gentle autumn's Rain .

When you awaken in the morning's hush ,

I am the swift uplifting Rush

Of Quiet Birds in circled flight .

I am the soft Star that Shines at night ,

Do not stand at my grave and cry ,

I am not there , I did not die .

***

To Those I love

When I am gone, just release me, let me go--

So I can move into my afterglow .

You mustn't tie me down with your tears ;

Let's be happy that we had so many years .

I gave you my love, you can only guess

how much you gave me in happiness .

I thank you for the love you each have shown,

but now it's time I traveled on alone .

So grieve for me awhile , if grieve you must,

then let your grief be comforted with trust .

It's only for a while that we must part,

so Bless the memories within your heart .

And then , when you must come this way alone,

I'll greet you with a smile and a "Welcome Home" .

*****

HOAX REGARDING HEART ATTACKS, sent in by Chris Finer

This email forward that offers spurious advice about how to survive a heart attack has been continually circulating around the Internet since at least 1999. The message outlines a technique for surviving a heart attack while alone that involves vigorous coughing. According to the email, a cardiologist has advised forwarding the message to others in order to save lives. However, the alleged cardiologist is not named, nor is there any reference to a reputable medical institution. In my opinion, any life-critical "medical advice" that is not supported by credible reference material should be used with extreme caution.

It should be noted that the cough procedure outlined in the email might be beneficial under certain circumstances. However, medical experts maintain that the procedure should be performed only under professional supervision. According to the American Heart Association, "the usefulness of "cough CPR" is generally limited to monitored patients with a witnessed arrest in the hospital setting."

The Resuscitation Council in the UK "knows of no evidence that, even if a lone, if a patient knew that cardiac arrest had occurred, he or she would be able to maintain sufficient circulation to allow activity, let alone driving to the hospital".

A victim would probably be better off directing his or her energy towards other life saving options such as seeking immediate help or calling the emergency number. The American Heart Association article states that: "The best strategy is to be aware of the early warning signs for heart attack and cardiac arrest and respond to them by calling [the emergency number in your country]. If you're driving alone and you start having severe chest pain or discomfort that starts to spread into your arm and up into your jaw (the scenario presented in the Internet article), pull over and flag down another motorist for help or phone [the emergency number in your country] on a cellular telephone."

The "advice" presented in this email forward is not condoned by medical experts and, in my opinion, it certainly should not be forwarded to "as many friends as possible." Using this procedure in place of immediately seeking medical help could even cost a life.

Another version of the message arrives as an email attachment rendered in Microsoft PowerPoint format.