LOVELIGHT
Magazine
Vol.
1, no. 8***August, 2004
Managing editors: Ada Maria Francis and Richard
Shiningthunder Francis; contributors to this issue: Anonymous lady, Mary Butler, Loretta Carrier, Pat Fields, Christine Finer, Mark
Franzen, Mick Gallagher, Gene Janning, Linda Jung, Mary McLocklin, Kathy Rice,
Kara Rivers, Karina Sandlin, Dennis Spencer, Michelle Spivey, and Geoffrey
Stoermer.
When you submit articles to
Lovelight magazine it would be appreciated very much if you could: minimize
typos, minimize spaces, and place a full two spaces after the period, between
sentences. This would make our
editorial work much easier! – the editors
Subscription to this magazine is
free. Just write to: rmfrancis@juno.com We promise not to distribute your email
addresses to others.
_______
HOW
THE GOVERNMENT THINKS…
The
Gov was going to purchase pollution filters for the trucks but then discovered
that they cost a whopping seventeen cents a piece—sincere thanks to Dennis
Spencer, a most talented and skillful artist!
FENG SHUI CORNER, edited by Pat Fields
The numbers three, six, and nine are a powerful combination in Chinese culture and in feng shui. Put 3 Chinese or silver colored coins in a lucky red envelope and tape it under your business phone, fax machine, or cash register to stimulate money luck. Place a faceted crystal figurine on a window sill to disperse the “killing” energy of a neighboring building. Hang a mirror on the west wall of your dining room. This will multiply the reflection of food and drink on your table. Put heart -shaped stones and crystals in your romance and love corner. Put a crystal or black-colored turtle, a symbol of protection and business prosperity, in the North. In Chinese decor, furniture and accessories are kept to a minimum. This spaciousness allows the cosmic energy of ch’i to move freely throughout.
*******
THOUGHT REPLACEMENT MECHANISM,* by Mary Butler
I first read about the thought replacement mechanism (trm) in The Way of Universal Love, one of Richard Francis’ early (1986) books, and still a favorite. It was during a time when I regularly rode the bus to work in downtown Providence, Rhode Island in the early mornings. I could use that time to pour over the book. We had been to Maine in the fall, and had attended a Love Ministries seminar.
"If thinking is the problem," I read, "then more thinking is not the answer." It was a revolutionary suggestion! But it was practical. I underlined it and put asterisks on either side.
Up to that time, my meditation techniques had consisted of guided-visualization tapes, candle-flame-focusing, and bedroom-sequestering. With a fan running, I tried to relax into its white noise. All of these required solitude, preparation, and a chunk out of my already hectic mornings or too-tired evenings. Practice was sporadic.
The idea that, with the trm, one could meditate everywhere and all day was especially appealing. Immediately, I began to entertain some four-syllable "mantras." I repeated a few. Finally, I settled in to the phrases that were meaningful and, therefore, memorable: "I am at peace, God is my Source." Later, "Thy will be done" was added. Practice became a habit on the bus. I also ran the trm when walking, when falling asleep at night, and when I felt anxious-- too frequently. It was thrilling that this tool could be carried anywhere, and used at my discretion!
It was particularly helpful to choose phrases that directly confronted my fears. The trm’s also helped me to remember that my Source was something other than the focus of concern.
Practice was conscious and awkward, in the beginning. I experienced panic attacks during that time, and seemed to be powerless over their onset. Adrenaline would surge; my head would get light and my heart would pound in my chest, making my ears ring. It was the fight or flight response, and I wanted to fly away fast from whatever the present circumstance happened to be. The attacks occurred when there appeared to be no easy escape from a situation. For instance, they would come when I was riding in an elevator, or when I was a car-passenger, or when I was in the center aisle of a crowded movie theater with people on either side. The trm was like a life preserver, providing a different focus during those times, lifting me out of myself. I repeated each word with conscious awareness, over and over and over.
I began to practice while sitting quietly, as well, for maybe three minutes, at first. Then I could go longer. I opted for the eight-syllable trm: "I am at peace; God is my Source" became a continuous undertone of every part of the day, and into sleep. "I am at peace; God is my Source; I am at peace; God is my Source; I am at peace; God is my Source; I am at peace…”
My trm (mantra) has become an automatic and immediate response to stress, with constant practice through the years. Last Wednesday I had an appointment with my GP doc. And she decided to remove a questionable rough patch of skin on my shoulder, and send it to the lab for biopsy. My heart started to pick up speed as she led me to the procedure room. I entered a small room that was permeated with that antiseptic/rubber gloved hospital smell. I was overwhelmed with vivid memories of hospital beds, chemotherapy, and endless medical testing. I lay back on the white paper-covered reclining chair, and tears began to leak out the sides of my eyes. My trm started at the same moment. My whole body relaxed. I was able to take a deep breath and let go, thinking only of my mantra.
I wasn’t reacting to the actual procedure, which was not much of anything really. It was imagination carrying me back to a terrifying powerlessness that I could not even entertain at the time. Panic attacks occurred much more frequently ten or fifteen years ago than today, but one can still creep up. And happily, using my mantra continues to be an effective way to walk through the panic, and come out on the other side.
As a member of a twelve-step program, I meditate to increase my conscious contact with a Higher Power of my own understanding. My trm has been indispensable in the practice of that step, and I have shared it as a meditation technique since the eighties. It is simple and personal in design, and moreover, it is effective. It removes the mystery from the development of a mantra, while allowing me to experience the mystery of the unconscious.
It is a marvelous tool. Like all tools, however, it only works when I employ it.
Maribee Butler
7/24/04
***
* This phrase was taken by Maribee from the new book Teflon Mind now available from us. Its printing cost (and your cost) is $7.00.
*******
DETACH
WITH LOVE: SOME RECOMMENDED SPIRITUAL READING, by Richard Shiningthunder Francis
We are excited and delighted to
announce the completion of our new book Teflon Mind: Sex, Money, Life, and
Detachment. This is a simplified “how
to” book designed to walk you through the altered state that mystics call
“detachment”. This is
not a religious presentation but is more psychological. It offers a specific technique, of great
simplicity, that you can learn in minutes. This will help you detach from troublesome thoughts,
worries, guilts, and various anxieties.
True detachment is based on love and enriches the personality. This book
has been written to enrich your life with the valuable method used by mystics
for millennium. Cover price is
$13.95 but we are very happy to offer it to you, our friends, for our cost of
printing which is $7.00 per copy. Softcover, 233 pages. Please order from: rmfrancis@juno.com
AN
AROMATHERAPY GUIDE: STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES
by Loretta Carrier
It’s August-- the month of cookouts and picnics, afternoons at the pool, softball, and fresh produce for our meals; it’s also the time for sunburn, bugbites, and poison ivy. But we tolerate these little challenges because it’s summer!
One of the best oils for July is also one of the best for any other time of the year-- Lavender. Its beautiful purplish flowers are harvested during July and August, during the hottest time of the day, since that is when the plant’s oil content is at its highest.
Lavender oil is a natural antiseptic, antibiotic, and detoxifier, and a good cleansing and deodorizing agent. It helps prevent infection, and promotes healing. It is both stimulating and calming. It is one of the essential oils that is an “adaptogen,” meaning that its properties adapt to your needs, making it an extremely versatile oil. It is useful for skin care, muscle relief, and emotional imbalances such as stress, anxiety, and depression. It is sometimes referred to as the “angel of healing.”
The following are a few recipes for using Lavender, this month as well as at other times:
Summer (or winter) Cold Antiseptic Spray
The following refer to essential oilsJ
6 drops Lavender
6 drops Lemon
3 drops Rosemary
2 drops Tea Tree
4 drops Eucalyptus
Mix all the oils together. Add 10 drops of this blend to a pint of water. Use this solution to clean, spray and disinfect various household surfaces or any other area you think would be appropriate.
Blemish Treatment
12 drops Lavender
12 drops Lemon
12 drops Tea Tree
Combine the oils and store in a dark glass container. Use the end of a cotton swab to apply to the blemish.
Sweet Dreams
1 drop Lavender
1 drop Orange
Put the two drops on a cotton ball or a handkerchief and place between your pillow and pillowcase. The warmth of your head will release these oils for quite a while.
Inflammation Soother (joints)
8 drops Peppermint
8 drops Lavender
10 drops Roman Chamomile
7 drops Rosemary
7 drops Vetiver
7 drops Fir
7 drops Ginger
Mix the oils in 2-½ tablespoons almond or jojoba oil. Massage into the inflamed area.
Concentration Blend
3 drops Rosemary
5 drops Lavender
2 drops Cedar
1 drop Eucalyptus
3 drops Orange
Mix all the oils together and add to 16 ounces of water. Use as a room spray before you sit down to study and refresh from time to time as needed.
*******
The Positive Side of Life, by Mary McLocklin
Living on Earth is
expensive.*** But it does include
one free trip around the sun every year.***How long a minute is depends on what
side of the bathroom door you're on.***Birthdays are good for you; the more you
have, the longer you live.***Happiness comes through doors that you didn't even
know you left open.***Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside
of us.***If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?***You may be only one person in the world,
but you might also be the world to one person.***Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.***We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different
colors, but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.***A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a
detour.***Working for God(dess) on earth does not pay much, but His/Her
Retirement plan is out of this world!
*******
Things that You can Learn on Earth, sent in by Karina Sandlin
I've learned
That the best classroom in the world is being with, and listening to, an older person.***That when you're in love, it shows. Love glows like neon light, cutting through darkest midnight.***That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day. By being my friend, you've made my day! And my week!***That being kind is more important than being right.***That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help in some other way. Even better, by loving her, I can be the living answer to her prayers!***That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with!***That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.***That simple walks around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.***That we should be glad that God doesn't give us everything that we ask for.***That money doesn't buy class, elegance, or refinement.***That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.***That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated
and loved.***That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.***That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. Your "enemy" controls your thoughts!***That Love, not just time, heals all wounds. Love inevitably heals, both in Its being given and received!***That the easiest way to grow is to surround yourself with people wiser than you.***That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.***That no one is perfect until you fall in love with him or her.***That life is tough, but we're tougher.***That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.***That one should keep her words soft and tender; tomorrow, she might have to eat them.***That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.***That you can choose how you feel, and what you do about it.***That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occur while you're climbing it.***That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: When it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
*******
How We Got Pets, sent in by Mark Franzen
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?” Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever! This beautiful creature will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish, childish, or unlovable you might be, this new companion will accept you as you are. It will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Earth-kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him ‘DOG.’”
Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
But after a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
God created cat!
*******
“I Wish You Enough!” sent in by Geoffrey Stoermer
I overheard a mother and
daughter in their last moments together at an airport. The mother's departure had just
been announced. Standing near the security gate, they hugged. The
mother said, "I love you. I wish you enough.”
The daughter said,
"Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever
needed. I wish you enough, too." They kissed and the daughter left.
The mother walked over toward where I was seated.
I could see that, standing there,
she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy. But she welcomed me in by asking,
"Did you ever say goodbye to someone, knowing that it would be forever?"
"Yes, I
have," I replied.” Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever
goodbye?”
"I am old, and
she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead. And the reality is, the next trip back
will be for my funeral," she said.
"When you were saying goodbye, I heard you say, 'I wish
you enough.' May I ask what that
means?"
She smiled.
"That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations." She
looked up as if trying to remember, and smiled even more. "When we said 'I
wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled
with just enough good things to sustain her," Then she shared the following: "I wish you enough sun to keep
your attitude bright. I wish you
enough rain to appreciate the sun.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the
smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate
all that you have. I wish you enough
hellos to get you through the final goodbye." She
then began to sob and walked away.
My friends and loved
ones, I wish you ENOUGH! They say "It takes a minute to find a
special person, an hour to appreciate her, a day to love her, but then an entire
life to forget her.”
Take the time to live!
My friends and loved ones. I wish
you ENOUGH!
*******
A Sister’s Love-- than Which There is No Greater! sent in by Christine Finer
The little girl called Tess went into her bedroom. She pulled a glass jelly jar from
its hiding place in the closet.
She poured the change out on the floor
and counted it carefully. Three
times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she
slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with
the big red Indian Chief sign above the door. She waited patiently for the
pharmacist to give her some attention; but he was too busy. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing
noise. Nothing. She cleared her
throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally, she
took a quarter from her jar and
banged it on the glass counter. That did it! “And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an
annoyed tone. “I'm talking
to my brother here.” He
nodded to a finely-dressed man standing there. “He’s from Chicago. I haven’t seen him in ages," he said without waiting
for reply to his question.
"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick. And I want to buy a miracle."
“I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.
"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his
head
and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle
cost?"
"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.
"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."
The pharmacist's brother stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"
"I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."
"How much do you have?" asked the man from Chicago.
"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered, barely audible. "And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."
"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents--the exact price of a miracle for little brothers." He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the kind of miracle you need."
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing
in neuro-surgery.
The operation was completed without charge; and it wasn't long until Andrew was
home again and doing well. His mother and father were happily
talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
"That surgery," Tess’ Mom whispered. "was a real miracle.
I wonder how much it would have
cost?"
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost-- one dollar and eleven cents.
***
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a
higher law. This was a true story.
*******
The Friendship oath, sent in by Christine Finer
When you are sad, I will dry your tears. When you are scared, I will comfort your fears. When you are confused, I will help you cope. And when you are lost, and can't see the light, I shall be your beacon, shining ever so bright.
This is my oath. I pledge till the end.
Why?, you may ask. Because you're
my friend.
have you clicked today? Join Care2.com's Race for Pets one click will feed a
furry critter!
What you need to do: Click on the "Click to Help" button located
at
http://pets.care2.com/i?p=936969982
up to once per day. Each click generates a donation, paid by
*******
LOVELETTERS FROM FRIENDS, BUDS, AND PALS
From Maribee:
Dear Richard,
Thank you for your warm encouragement towards my writing. That means lots coming from someone who is as prolific a writer as you!
…I love that you like my writing. It is inspiration to write more often.
love
maribee
***
Dear Richard,
Thank you so much for sending your new book along! I am eager to begin it. As I have shared with you many times, the 'trm' has worked for me for years. I began running a trm right after reading about it in Universal Love and it has become a natural and immediate response to stress of any kind. It works so well!
I am thrilled to see your new book explaining it because the understanding and use of this simple but effective tool will enhance the lives of so many.
love
maribee
***
The House-church and the One, from a special sister
Dearest Friends of the heart, just fyi, in case you don’t know, we have a house church in Liberty Township, Ohio. All of our good buds, pals, and friends get together every two weeks. We come together for three hours starting at 11 am on Sunday and meet only every other Sunday. Our next gathering will be August 8 and you are cordially invited to come. During our three hours together we spend the middle hour in free conversation, discussion, getting to know each other, etc. The other two hours are spent with a format that combines lecture, Q&A, and group discussion. This event is free and we share a healthy meal (pot luck). So, please come when you can and bring your questions and friends. For more information write: rmfrancis@juno.com
Thanks for the cool response. The idea of [a] house-church has the right
feel.... Each person...sharing, supporting and questioning in such a loving and peaceful way.
The energy [is] peaceful but strongly positive-- recharging us for the week....
A lot of spiritual growth can come from these meetings full of mutual respect and love. All [are] on an equal footing, all learning at different paces, and in different ways, and even in different directions. As you mention, this type of spiritual growth expands even as it narrows. As we narrow our focus on the One, the Love, the Oneness of all of us-- we expand exponentially-- a most unusual and yet comforting feeling and
realization. We are no longer limited to this microdot [of earth]. Our visions and dimensions expand to include all that we can share through the One.... We are physically here; yet we can mentally explore other worlds,... and we are spiritually
everywhere at once. That is when it is just "natural" to accept what we witness
here, and see that actions can be misguided and have horrendous consequences.
That ability to see above and beyond the "obvious and accepted" behaviors of our pseudoleaders, for example, allows us to pursue actions which oppose those behaviors. It seems that fear as well as ignorance prompts people to support the leadership....
It was dusk and we went out into the garden.... There are
many, many strong native American spirits there....
We decided [that] we would continue to go back and connect and support that willing energy from the past....
I love being there alone…. There is always peace and beauty there. Perhaps people do not really realize the resource that is the Love Energy,
the One Energy. It is our source. It is the validation of who we are and what
we strive for. It is the validation of the soul and the spirit and the complete oneness that
we all are.
I suppose it is that very [feeling of] separation that creates the fear that they [the leaders] feel and we see.
[Some] feel [that] one has to work hard to achieve some kind of spirituality. I feel [that]
you have to work at it less and feel it more-- join the Force!
At that point much of the work is easier, even if it is [still] difficult. The focus
is in place; and the stronger we feel the Universal Love pulling us forward,
the clearer the road. The nasty pit stops most of us have to make, and the more
devastating happenings in some lives, can be encompassed and enclosed by that
Oneness. While the complexities of this are beyond most of us, the faith of
which Jesus spoke can calm the mind and allow us to move forward on the path.
It can heal just as promised. The mystery is, what is IT. And, are we
strong enough to believe in something we cannot [sense]?...
(Well, some do hear and see it, but that is not so very usual.)... Understanding, accepting, working for the acceptance through the Lovemind example is the center of the house-church. Somehow a building can separate the seekers from that which they are seeking.
The natural world [is visited] on Sunday mornings. God's creation [is] the best "church" [that] we could find-- and the best teacher....
Thanks again for the comments.
Love to both you and Maria,
Anonymous Friend
*******
From Michelle Spivey
the jokes in the love letters rock!
allow me to extend my deepest, giggle filled appreciation; can't remember the last time I laughed like a kid!...
***
Beware “Obvious” Answers, sent in by Christine Finer
|
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? [116 years.]***2) Which country makes Panama hats? [Ecuador.]***3) From which animal do we get catgut? [sheep and horses.]***4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? [November.]***5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? [squirrel fur.]***6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? [dog.[***7) What was King George V's first name? [Albert.]***8) What color is a purple finch? [crimson.]***9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? [New Zealand.]***10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? [orange.]*** |
have you clicked today? http://bigcats.care2.com/i?p=3548999711 Please click and save a jaguar!
*******
Resource-speak: The Language of Human Resources, sent in by Linda Jung
If you're in the job market now you might want to familiarize yourself with the Human Resources Lingo: "COMPETITIVE SALARY"-- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.***"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"-- We have no time to train you.***"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"-- We don't pay enough to expect you to dress up.***"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"-- You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.***"DUTIES WILL VARY"-- Anyone in the office can boss you around.***"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"-- We have no quality control.***"NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE"-- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.***"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"--- You'll need it to replace three people who just left.***"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"-- You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.***"REQUIRES TEAM-LEADERSHIP SKILLS"-- You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
*******
Egos are Dust, sent in by Linda Jung
In 1923, who was
1. President of the largest steel company?***2. President of the largest gas company?***3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?***4. Greatest wheat speculator?***5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?***6. Great Bear of Wall Street?***
These men were considered the most successful of their day. Now,
80 years later, the history book asks us whether we know
what ultimately became of them. The answers:
1. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.***2. Edward Hopson, went insane.***3. Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.***4. Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.***5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.***6. Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
*******
A Prayer of Love, sent in by Kathy Rice
Saint Theresa of Lisieux (1873-1897) is known as the “Saint of the Little Ways. This means that she believed in doing the “little” things in life well, and with great love. She is also the patron Saint of flower growers and florists. She is represented by roses.
Saint Theresa's Prayer:
May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
*******
HUMORTHERAPY: CHUCKLES,
GIGGLES, SMILES, SNORTS, AND LAUGHS FROM FRIENDS
The philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity, sent in by Linda Jung
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.***2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.***3. If humans evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?***4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the “bad girls” live.***5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.***6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?***7. If someone with dissociative-identity disorder threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?***8. Is there another word for synonym?***9. Is there an abbreviation for “abbreviation”?*** 9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?***10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?***11. Would a fly without wings be called a “walk”?***12. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?***13. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?***14. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?***15. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?***16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?***17. Does the Little Mermaid wear an “algebra”?***18. How is it possible to have a civil war?***19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?***20. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?***21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?***22. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?***23. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?***24. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
***
Medical Insurance Explained, sent in by Kara Rivers
Q. I just signed up for Medical Insurance. How difficult
will it be to
choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly
more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.
These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's
drive away, and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those
you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as
long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find
alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs. But I need the name brand. I
tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I
do?
A. Poke yourself
in the eye, to distract your mind from the pain.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't
do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that
all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you
call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
***
The Creation of Delightful, Delicious Woman, sent in by Gene Janning
“Lord, I have a problem."
"What's
the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and
provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well
as that hilarious comedic snake. But
I'm Just not happy."
"And why
is that Eve?"
”Lord, I
am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well,
Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What
is that, Lord?"
"A very
flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie and be vain: all in all, he'll give you a hard
time. But he'll be bigger, faster
and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him so that he will satisfy your physical needs. But take warning: He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you.
So he will also need your advice
to think properly."
"Sounds
great," said Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows. "But what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well, you
can have him on one condition."
"And
what's that, Lord?”
”As I
said, he'll be arrogant and selfadmiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
And it will have to be our little
secret--you know, woman to woman."
***
The Most Important Thing, sent in by Mick Gallagher
It had been a long time since Jack had seen the old man, Mr.
Brown, who had lived next door to him.
College, girls, career, and so many other life-pursuits had got in the
way. In fact, Jack had moved clear
across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush
of his busy life, he had had very little time to think about the past. In fact, he often had no time to spend
with even his wife and son. He was
working on his future, and nothing could stop him!
Over the phone, his mother told him, “Mr. Brown died last night. The funeral will be Wednesday.” Memories flashed through his mind, like an old newsreel, as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.
”Jack, did you hear me?”
”Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes,
I heard you. It's been so long
since I
thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago,”
Jack said.
”Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how
you were. He'd reminisce about the
many days you spent ‘over his
side of the fence,' as he put it,” Jack’s mother told him.
”I loved that old house he lived in,” Jack said.
”You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Brown stepped in to
make sure you had a man's influence in your life,” she said.
”He's the one who taught me carpentry,” he said. “I wouldn't be in
this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching
me things he thought were important.
Mom, I'll be there for the
funeral,” Jack said.
He kept his word. The funeral was uneventful. Brown had had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.
The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to
see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another
dimension, a leap through space and time
The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories--every picture, every piece of
furniture. Jack stopped suddenly.
”What's wrong, Jack?” his Mom asked.
”The box is gone,” he said.
”What box?” his mother asked.
”There was a small gold-colored box that he kept locked on top of
his
desk. I must have asked him a
thousand times what was inside. All
that he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'” Jack said. But it was gone. Everything else about the
house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except the box’s absence. He figured that someone from the Brown
family had taken it.
”Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him,” Jack
moaned. “I’d better
get some sleep. I have an early
flight home.”
TWO WEEKS LATER: Returning home
from work one day, Jack discovered a card in his mailbox.
The card said, “Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office
within the next three days.”
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention: “Mr. Harold Brown,” it read. Jack excitedly took the box out to his car and ripped it open. Inside was the gold box and an envelope.
Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside:
”Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to
Jack Bennett. It's the thing I
valued most in my life.” A
small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filled his eyes, Jack carefully
unlocked the box. Inside he found
a beautiful gold pocket watch.
Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:
”Jack, Thanks for your time! --Harold Brown.”
Jack thought, eyes wide with wonder, the thing that he valued most was my time!
Jack held the watch to his heart for a few minutes. Then, he drove to his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days.
“Why?” Janet, his assistant, asked.
”I need some time to spend with my son,” he said. ”Oh, by the way, Janet, thanks for your time!” He went outside, and returned with one of the roses from the office’s rosebush, and gave it to her. Both smiled.
***
Life is not measured by the number of breaths that we take, but by
the moments that take our breath away.
***
Think about these thoughts:
1. Someone in this world loves you
so much that she would die
for you.
2. At least a few people in this world love you in some way.
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if she doesn't like you.
4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before she goes to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. If not for you, someone might not be living.
7. You are special and unique.
8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good will still come from
it. You will learn!
9. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a second
look: you most likely have turned your back on the world.
10. You are loved by someone whom you don't even know exists.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude
remarks.
12. Always tell someone that you love how you feel about her. You will feel much better when she knows,
and you'll both be happy.
13. If you have a great friend, take the time to let her know that she
is great!
***
Being happy doesn't mean that everything's perfect. It means that you've decided to see beyond the
imperfections.
*******
The Most Beautiful Flower, sent
in by Geoffrey Stoermer, modified by Richard Francis
The park bench deserted, I sat down
to see
The park, beneath branches of a
willow tree.
Disillusioned, with good reason to
frown,
The world was intent on dragging me
down.
If that weren't enough to ruin my day,
A young boy approached me, all
tired from play.
He stood before me, head tilted
down
And said with excitement,
"Look what I found!"
In his hand was a flower-- a
pitiful sight,
Its petals ragged, worn-- not
enough rain or light.
Take your dead flower go off to
play,
I faked a small smile, shifted
away.
Instead of retreating, he sat by my side
And, flower to nose, he declared it
his pride!
"It sure smells pretty and it's
beautiful, too.
That's why I picked it. Here, it
is just for you."
The weed before me was dying or dead.
Not vibrant electric orange or red.
I must take it, or he might never leave,
And so I did, if this you can believe.
But instead of his placing it in my
hand,
He held it midair without reason or
plan.
It was then that I noticed, for the
first time
That weed-toting boy could not see, he
was blind.
I heard my voice quiver, my tears shone in the sun
As I thanked him for picking the very
best one.
"You're welcome," he smiled,
then ran off to play,
Unaware of his impact on my day.
I sat there and wondered how he had
managed to see
A self-pitying woman beneath a willow
tree.
How did he know of my self-created
plight?
Perhaps from his heart, he'd been
blessed with true sight.
Through the eyes of a blind child, at
last I could see
The problem was not the world, the
problem was me.
And for all of those times I myself
had been blind,
I vowed to see beauty in every day
that's mine.
Then I held that wilted flower up
to my nose
And breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose
I smiled as I watched the boy, weed in his hand
Change the life of an
unsuspecting old man!
*******
