LOVELIGHT
Magazine
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April 2007***Volume 4, no. 4
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Managing Co-Editors:
Adamaria Francis and Richard Shining Thunder Francis
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Contributors to this issue: Nick Ardizzone, Maureen
Dwyer, Jim Dwyer, Pat Fields, Chris
Finer, Mark Franzen, Mick Gallagher,
Tom Gustin, Patricia Helms, Steven McDaniel, Ty Scharrer, Michelle
Spivey, Geoffrey Stoermer, Arnold
White
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LOVELIGHT
MAGAZINE: WHAT WE'RE ALL ABOUT
Lovelight magazine is free, coming
directly to your inboxscreen once a month, to bring a little sunshine, and at
least a few laughs. So, if you
discover any jokes that make you roar with laughter, please send them
along.
But life is not all laughs. So, we hope also to share with you some
pleasant and sweet thoughts, and life-lessons.
Lovelight wants to promote peace and
harmony, and to aid you personally to overcome any problems. If you are working on any religious,
psychological, or spiritual challenges, we encourage you to write to us at: rmfrancis@juno.com
We also want to present
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copyrighted, fairly short, please share them with the efamily. Please send them to the magazine, at
the same address. Also welcome are
practical tips that can make life easier or safer. We also welcome short pieces on personal philosophies,
interesting facts, wordplays, and spirituality, especially those that emphasize
the value of compassion and other forms of Love. We reserve the right to make whatever changes that we deem
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This is published as a "light"
introduction to spirituality. It
is designed especially for those who have little or no interest in the
"heavier" aspects. And
it is also great, fun reading. A
collection of magazines is produced once a year, and would make a sweet gift
for a loved one. Happy reading!:)
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*****
THE NEW SEXFREE BIBLE,
sent in by Ty Scharrer
After working with several church pastors for the better
part of two years, James Montrose, principal of Landover Elementary School,
announced last week that an abridged KJV Bible, omitting all references to
illicit and deviant sex acts, has been finalized for use at the school next
year. Montrose formally proposed
to the Board of Deacons that the new Bible, roughly the size of a theater
program, be required reading in all classes in place of the salacious
unabridged version.
ÒIt is beyond question that the Holy Bible, in unedited form, is simply not
appropriate for children,Ó observed Montrose in testimony to the Board. "The unabridged Bible is loaded
with passages describing in detail such disgusting topics as premature
ejaculation (Leviticus 15:2-15; 22:3-5), wet dreams (Leviticus 15:16-18, 32),
voyeurism (Leviticus 18:6-20); damaged testicles (Leviticus 21:20; Deuteronomy
23:1); people taking a dump in the middle of camp (Deuteronomy 23:12-14);
hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 5:9; 6:4-5), people urinating on a wall (1 Samuel 25:22;
26:34; 1 Kings 14:10; 16:11; 21:22; 2 Kings 9:8), people eating their own feces
and drinking their urine (2 Kings 18:27; Isaiah 36:12; Ezekiel 4:12, 15),
menstruation (just about all of Leviticus), etc. And those are just from a few [Biblical] books I reviewed
this morning. Some of these topics
are too prurient even for an S&M club. In fact, many parts of the Good Book are so tawdry that the
Bible would be the first book hurled into the flames at our weekly book
burnings-- were it not inspired by God, of course.Ó
Montrose, along with Pastors Seff Stryker and Don Holmes, prepared the new
version of the Bible by scratching out all the X-rated passages in one of MontroseÕs
old copies of the KJV [of] 1611. ÒBy
the time we were finished, my old Bible looked like a White House Enron
document produced to a Senate subcommittee,Ó noted Montrose. ÒBut as a result of our work, children
will no longer be exposed to Biblical passages too risquŽ for Penthouse Forum. And children will be able to finish
reading the Bible within days of the start of the school year. This will afford their teachers plenty
of time to have students memorize passages describing the violence God inflicts
upon sinners.Ó
Not all Board members favor the proposed new version. Brother Harry Hardwick led a minority of
deacons opposed to the abridged Bible. ÒDonÕt get me wrong,Ó cautioned Brother Harry. ÒI recognize that the definitive version
of the LordÕs Word was written by that unrepentant sodomite, King James, and
therefore contains far more graphic descriptions of intimacy than any
heterosexual author would ever have inserted. Nevertheless, many of these
passages offer useful information to children, such as the disastrous fate that
awaits them if they lust, masturbate or have premarital sex. Without including the passages
describing GodÕs wrath toward the sexually active, many youngsters may believe
they have a green light to practice the most deviant of acts.Ó
In response to Brother HarryÕs concern, Pastor Deacon Fred proposed the
following amendment to MontroseÕs proposal:
ÒAll children will be told each day during homeroom that any
sexual activity before marriage, with or without a partner, will send the
culprits hurtling toward Hell where red-tailed demons with giant purple penises
will sodomize them for eternity.Ó
After the Board passed his proposal with the amendment, Montrose agreed to
instruct teachers to deliver the homeroom lecture every morning. However, he warned that he was unsure
how teachers would explain to their pupils what ÒsodomizeÓ means-- especially
since they will no longer have the full Bible as a reference.
*****
*****
SNORKS, SNORTS, AND CHUCKLES: HUMORTHERAPY
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE, sent in by Ty Scharrer
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School
(California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone
answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the
school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring
students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and
missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who
want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades-- even though
those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete
enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
THE OUTGOING MESSAGE: "Hello! You have reached the automated
answering service of Pacific Palisades High School. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is
absent, press one.***To make excuses for why your child did not do his work-
Press two.***To complain about what we do, press three.***To swear at staff
members, press four.***To ask why you didn't get information that was already
enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you, press five.***If
you want us to rear your child, press six.***If you want to reach out and
touch, slap or punch someone, press seven.***To request another teacher, for
the third time this year, press eight.***To complain about bus transportation,
press nine.***To complain about school lunches, press zero.***If you realize
this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for
his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that the teacher is not at fault
for your child's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!
***
OATH OF LIARS, sent in by Ty Scharrer
"Do you
solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?" It's time for common sense.
Instead of letting the lawyers argue forever, let's hammer out a
compromise oath that Karl Rove and Harriet Miers could swear to Congress. Some
possibilities: 1. Do you solemnly
swear to tell the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth, maintaining an
overall average of at least 70 percent truth, subject to later verification by
an independent panel, so help you God?***2. Do you solemnly swear to tell the
truth, but in ways that are carefully cloaked in metaphor and allegory, so they
require lengthy interpretation, in a Zen sort of way, so help you Buddha?***3.
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, unless in your opinion we are not
worthy of it, in which case you shout like Jack Nicholson in that movie,
"The truth? You can't handle the truth!" so help us all?***4. Do you
solemnly swear to answer all questions in a semitruthful fashion and not claim
things that are totally ridiculous, such as that George Bush actually reads a
book every week, so that we all don't have to sit here and feel embarrassed by
what you're saying, so help you God?***5. Do you solemnly swear to tell the
truth, except for when you claim that you can't remember, in which case we
promise not to press the issue and later bring forth Tim Russert to testify
that you are nothing but a dirty liar?***6. Do you solemnly swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, with the understanding
that-- hey, who are we kidding here?-- there is no real truth, and let's all
get together later and smoke a doobie, so help you God?***7. Do you solemnly
swear to tell lies, damned lies, and nothing but lies, and thus we will have
cleverly lured you into our trap, because then, by reversing your answers, we
will figure out what the hell is going on, so help you God?***8. Do you
solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,
unless you have an answer that makes for a really cool sound bite, in which
case we all understand, because we've been there?***9. Do you solemnly swear to
tell us something, anything, whether it's true or not, so that we can cut to
the chase and get rid of Alberto Gonzales?
***
DUMB CROOKS,
sent in by Ty Scharrer
Wichita, Kansas: Police arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.***A young
teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing
that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would
be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an
account to rob a bank. Disappointed,
the man left.
***
STORY OF
ELIJAH, sent in by Ty Scharrer
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the
story of Elijah the Hebrew
"prophet" and the "false prophets" of the ancient god Baal.
She explained how Elijah
built the altar, put wood upon it, heartlessly cut a steer to pieces, and
laid it upon the
altar.
And then, Elijah commanded the Israelites to fill four barrels of water
and pour it over the altar. He had
them do this four times. "Now, said the
teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why his god would have Elijah
pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl waved her hand. "I know!
I know!" she said, "to make the gravy!"
***
LOT'S WIFE, sent in by Ty Scharrer
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's
wife looked back, after her god forbade it, and turned into a "pillar
of salt." Jason
interrupted, "My Mummy looked
back once while she was driving," he
announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a
telephone pole!"
***
MOSES AND THE RED SEA, sent in by Ty Scharrer
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had
learned in Sunday
school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how his god sent Moses behind
enemy
lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea
, he had his army build a pontoon bridge
and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers
to blow up the
bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother
asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe it!"
***
BACK TO NATURE, sent in by Ty Scharrer
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to
an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust."
***
Al Gore, Bill & Hillary Clinton go to Heaven. God addresses Al first: "Al, in what do you believe?"
Al
replies, "Well, I believe I won
the election of twenty hundred, but that it was your will that I did not serve.
And I've come to understand that now."
God
thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill: "Bill, in what do you believe?"
Bill replies, "I believe
in forgiveness. I've sinned, but
I've never held a grudge against my Fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held
against me." God thinks for a
second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God
then addresses Hillary. "Hillary,
in what do you believe?"
"I
believe you're in my chair."
***
THE ITALIAN
FIREMEN, sent in by Mick Gallagher
One night in Garfield,
NJ, a fire started in the local sausage factory. In a blink, the building
was engulfed. The alarm went out to all fire-departments for miles.
The sausage-company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
sausage
recipes are in the vault. They
must be saved! I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings
them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more
fire departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that
the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save
the recipes.
Suddenly from up
the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ volunteer fire department
composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of sixty-five. To everyone's amazement, the
little run-down fire engine drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
The other
firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began
to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to
save their own lives. Within
a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the
secret recipes.
The grateful
sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman accomplishment he was
upping the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the
brave elderly firefighters.
A TV news crew
rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera'
reporter asked the fire chief,
"What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Wella,"
said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire
chief, "de fursta tinga we
gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat damma truck!"
***
BRA-VELY
EXPLORING UNDERWEAR, sent in by Ty Scharrer
A man walked into the ladies department of a store and shyly
approached the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man. "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras
in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are
really only four types of bras. There
are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences. She responded, "It is all really quite
simple. The Catholic type supports
the masses; the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type
keeps them staunch and upright; and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole
hills."
***
BUMPERSNICKERS, sent in by Ty Scharrer
He who dies
with the most toys, still dies. (The mighty Gator is poor and has few toys.)***Eat
right, exercise, die anyway.***Cover me; I'm changing lanes.***He who laughs
last thinks slowest. (Gator's reply: "Smile, everyone loves an
idiot.")***He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.***I
refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.***You! Out of the gene-pool!***It's Been Lovely,
But I have to scream now.***I Haven't Lost My Mind; It's backed up on disc somewhere.
*****
*****
LITTLE-KNOWN
FACTS FOR THOSE WHO "KNOW EVERYTHING", sent in by Maureen
Dwyer
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as
a substitute for Blood plasma.***No piece of paper can be folded in half more
than seven times.***Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.***You
burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.***Oak trees
do not produce acorns until they are fifty or older.***The first product
to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.***The King of Hearts is the only
king without a mustache.***American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by
eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.***Apples, not
caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.***Most dust
particles in your house are made from dead skin.***The first owner of the
Marlboro Tobacco Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man" used in their
commercials.***Walt Disney was afraid of mice.*** Pearls melt in vinegar.***The
three most valuable brand names on earth: ?
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that
order.***It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but, not down stairs.***A
duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.***Dentists have
recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet
to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living
room now.)***Turtles can breathe through their butts.
*****
*****
ÒThe frantic search for any answer delivers answers on only
the same frantic level." Many
fellow students (of life) have heard the recommendation that a major key to
living a life of peace, joy, and freedom of expression starts with daily
excursions into deep silence. If you
have ever wondered if you are truly achieving this best-of-the-best mind
experience, the following short list provides some valuable clues as symptoms
of:
ÒA quiet mindÉIs spontaneously creative in any situation.***Can
neither betray itself nor anyone else.***Rests naturally when it isnÕt
naturally active.***Knows without thinking.***Seeks nothing outside of itself
for strength.***Never compromises itself.***CanÕt be flattered or tempted.***DoesnÕt
waste valuable energy.***Fears nothing.***Refreshes itself.***Is in
relationship with a higher Intelligence.***Is intuitive.***Gives its undivided
attention to its tasks.***Receives direction from within.***Deeply enjoys the
delight of its own quietness.***Lives without many expectations, and thus,
avoids disappointments.***Adapts to every event that it meets.***Lives in a
state of grace.***Knows and helps quietly to design its destiny.***These
signposts and milestones show less our failures and more our remaining
opportunities for further growth.
Yes, these are all signs of Spiritual Growth, Self-awareness,
Enlightenment, where any apparent lack is but room for additional growth. Go deeply as you go quietly, and
discover the truth of who you really are.
Note, all of the text above that
is contained within Òdouble quotesÓ is from chapter fifteen of Guy FinleyÕs
book Design Your Destiny.
*****
*****
WORDS THAT
GUIDE: QUOTATIONS
"I'm not a genius. I'm just passionately curious."-- Albert Einstein, sent
in by Chris Finer
***
"First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your bad habits or they will conquer you."-- Rob
Gilbert, sent in by Nick Ardizzone
***
"One should respect public opinion insofar as is necessary to avoid
starvation and keep out of prison; anything that goes beyond this is voluntary
submission to an unnecessary tyranny."-- Bertrand Russell, sent in by Mark
Franzen
*****
*****
REVENGE
ON THE TELEMARKETER, sent in by Chris Finer
Three little words that work: "Hold On, Please."
Saying this,
while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up
immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming
that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear BT's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you
know it's
time to go back
and hang up your handset. You have
efficiently completed your task. These
three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.
2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where
a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers
the phone. This technique is then
used to determine the best time of day for a "real" salesperson to
call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately
start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed
the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name
in their system any longer!
3: When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar junk, do not throw
away the return envelope. Most of
these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular
postage if and when they are returned.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of
your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return
envelopes? Send an advertisement
for your local chimney sweeper to American Express. They might need one!
Send a pizza coupon to HSBC.
You get the idea. If you
didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank
application form. After all, it is
their form! If you want to remain
anonymous, just make sure that your name isn't on
anything you
return. (You can even send the
envelope back empty, if you want to, just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their
envelope after all.
*****
*****
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means that you've decided to see
beyond the imperfections.
*****
*****
UNIQUE, USEFUL
TIPS, sent in by Geoffrey Stoermer
Reheat Pizza. Heat
up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set
heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy
micro pizza.
Expanding Frosting. When you buy a container of cake frosting, whip it with
your mixer for a few minutes. You
can double it in size. You get to
frost
more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories
Reheating refrigerated bread. To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins
that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food
moist and help it reheat faster.
Newspaper weeds away. Start
putting in your plants; work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the
plants overlapping as you go cover with
mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds
will get through some gardening plastic
they will not get through wet newspapers.
Linda, Monmouth Jct., NJ
Broken Glass. Use a dry cotton
ball to pick up little broken glass pieces; the
fibers catch ones you can't see!
Olive, Santee, CA
No More Mosquitoes. Place a dryer
sheet in your pocket. It will keep
the mosquitoes away.
Diane, Moran, SC
Squirrel Away! To keep squirrels
from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with
cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper
doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels
won't come near it.
Kathy, Maumelle, AR
Flexible vacuum. To get something
out of a heat register or under the fridge, add an empty paper towel roll or
empty gif wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or
flattened to get in narrow openings.
Donna, Anderson, SC
Reducing Static Cling. Pin a small
safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or
dress. Same thing works with
slacks that cling when wearing
panty hose. Place pin in seam of
slacks and - voila - static is gone.
Pam, Maple Rapids, NH
Measuring Cups. Before you pour
sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot
water. Dump out the hot water, but
don't dry the cup. Next, add your
ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.
Kim, Goldsboro, NC
Foggy Windshield? Buy a chalkboard
eraser and keep it in the glove
box of your car. When the windows
fog, rub with the eraser! Works
better
than a cloth!
Alicia, Tampa, FL
Reopening envelopes. If you seal
an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place
your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two.
Voila! It unseals easily.
Conditioner. Use your hair conditioner to shave your
legs. It's a lot cheaper than
shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to
use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your
hair.
Kerry, Canada,
Goodbye Fruit Flies. To get rid of
pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2" with
Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix well. You will
find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!
Barbara, Birch Run, MI
Get Rid of Ants. Put small piles
of cornmeal where you see ants. They
eat it, take it
"home," & can't digest it, so it kills them. It might take a week or so, especially
if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small
children being harmed!
Teresa, Mitchell, SD
Take baby powder to the beach. Keep
a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When your ready to leave the
beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder, and the sand will slide right
off your skin.
*****
*****
PARTIAL
"CURE" FOR ENERGY-CRISIS, sent in by Ty Scharrer
Here is my solution: Make shopping centers and stores
more energy conscious by improving their insulation to conserve heat and
cold. Set shopping center temperatures at a modest 66 degrees in the winter
(most shoppers wear coats) and 80 degrees in the summertime. Once more,
give energy credits for homeowners who upgrade antiquated inefficient furnaces
to 95% energy efficient units. Give energy tax credits to homeowners who
increase their ceiling insulation, insulate their walls, and replace outdated
storm windows with those designed to save energy. Encourage drivers to
consolidate their trips to stores, which will extend the life of their
automobiles along with saving fuel. Encourage MORE car pooling.
Encourage people to use electronic banking to pay their bills instead of
driving to the power company, car insurance, tax offices, and other businesses
to pay their bills. Yes, I know several people who still drive everywhere
to pay bills which arrive every month!
*****
*****
WET
PANTS, sent in by Maureen Dwyer
Come with me to a third-grade classroom.
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden,
there is a puddle between his feet; and the front of his pants is wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop
because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows
that when the boys find out, he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as
he lives.
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and
prays this prayer: "Dear God,
this is an emergency! I need help
now! Five minutes from now I'm
dead meat."
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in
her eyes that says that he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie
is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher
and inexplicably dumps the bowl of
water in the boy's lap.
He pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself,
"Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"
Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is
the object of sympathy. The
teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his
pants dry out. All the other
children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But
as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been
transferred to someone else - Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out: "You've done enough, you
klutz!"
Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy
walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
Susie whispers back, "I wet
my pants once too."
***
May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good. Remember, just going to church doesn't
make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.
*****
*****
FISHBOWLS AROUND ME: A TRUE LESSON TO BE LEARNED, sent in by Jim Dwyer
A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the
bedside. "Your son is
here," she said to the old man in the bed. She had to repeat the words several times before the
patient's eyes opened. Heavily
sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young
uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's
limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.
The nurse brought a chair so that he could sit beside the bed. All through the night, he sat there in
the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of
love and strength. Occasionally, she
suggested that he move away and rest awhile.
He refused. Whenever she came
into the ward, he was oblivious to her and to the night noises of the hospital
- the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members
exchanging greetings , the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and then, she heard him say a few
gentle words. The dying man said
nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. His son released the now lifeless hand he had been holding
and went to tell the nurse. While
she did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy,
but he interrupted her. "Who was that man?" he asked.
She was startled. "He was your father," she
answered.
"No, he wasn't," he replied. "I never saw him before in
my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to
him?"
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he
needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or
not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."
*****
The next time someone needs you, just be there. Stay with her/him until you are no
longer needed. This is Love.
We are not human beings going through a temporary spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings going through a
temporary human experience.
*****
*****
CONFIDENCE AND
COMPETITION, sent in by Michelle Spivey 
Competition is not the best way. (Genesis 3:5). If God is
the creator of the universe, who are we?
We are the children of God (Love).
Cooperation is Love. (Matthew 5:9) If we are all equal, for
what are we competing? Competition
can create cowardice or conceit. Conceit lies; it says, too many times, "I'm full
of confidence." Cowardice also lies; it says, one too
many times, "I guess everybody can't have confidence." (Why not?)
Confidence
is the very balance of our humble
talents. Confidence tells the truth and says " I
couldn't have done it without the help of many people's talents."
*****
*****
A FEW NEW NEOLOGISMS, sent in by Geoffrey Stoermer
1.
BLAMESTORMING-- Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.***2. SEAGULL MANAGER-- A manager,
who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then Leaves.***3.ASSMOSIS--
The process by which some people seem to
absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working
hard.***4.SALMON DAY-- The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.***5. CUBE FARM-- An office
filled with cubicles.***6.PRAIRIE DOGGING-- When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.***7. MOUSE POTATO-- The on-line, wired generation's answer to the
couch potato.***8. SITCOMs-- Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children,
and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.***9. STRESS PUPPY-- A
person who seems to thrive on being
stressed out and whiny.***10.SWIPEOUT-- An ATM or credit card that has been
rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive
use.***11.XEROX SUBSIDY-- Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.***12.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are
Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.***13. PERCUSSIVE
MAINTENANCE-- The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to
get it to work again.***14. ADMINISPHERE-- The rarefied organizational layers
beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.***15. 404-- Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site
could not be located.***16. GENERICA-- Features of the American landscape that are
exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
and subdivisions.***17. OHNOSECOND-- That minuscule fraction of time in which
you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting
"send" on an email by mistake).***18. WOOFS-- Well-Off Older Folks.
*****
*****
THE HORROR OF THE MURDER OF THE INNOCENTS, by Ramona Abella
Dear Friends and Family, I realize that some of you might already be involved in putting a permanent stop to the horrific annual Canadian baby seal hunt. But just in case-- and for those who might not be-- here is a simple, easy, direct, and, it Is hoped, effective way to do something thatmakes a difference. The 2006 Canadian seal hunt left at least 354,344 seals dead! Almost all of them were babies as young as 12 days. Stand with me today to stop the seal hunt forever by joining the Canadian seafood boycott. https://community.hsus.org/campaign/protectseals/ Seal hunting is an off-season activity for Canada's east coast commercial fishermen. They earn a small fraction of their incomes from selling seal skins to the fur industry: only a reported $17.5 million (Canadian) annually, compared to the nearly $3 billion taken in by the Canadian fishing industry from seafood exports to the United States. The connection between the commercial fishing industry and the seal hunt gives consumersall over the world the power to end the cruel slaughter of baby seals. The Canadian fishing industry has suffered a $350 million (Canadian) decline in the value of snow crab exports to the United States. Once you've signed the pledge, you'll be able to identify Canadian seafood by using HSUS's downloadable pocket guide. You can also find out which restaurants and other businesses have also signed the pledge--and which ones to contact to ask them tosign on. Thanks for joining me in ending this cruel hunt. Love and blessings,**********
KEYS TO SECURITY,
sent in by Pat Fields
The next time you come home for the night and you put your
keys away, think
of this: It's a
"security alarm system" that you probably already have and
requires no installation. Start keeping your car keys next to your bed on the night
stand when you go to bed at night. If you think someone is trying to get into your house, or if
you hear a noise outside your house, just press the "panic alarm" on
your car key chain. Test it. It
will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until
your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob
chain. It works if you park in your
driveway or garage.
If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break
in your house, odds are that the burglar
or rapist won't stick around.
After a few seconds, all the neighbors
will be looking out their windows to see who is out there. And, sure enough, the criminal won't want that. Try it to make sure that it works before you rely on it. Just know that you must press the
alarm button again to turn it off.
And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking
lot. The alarm can work the same
way there. This is something that
should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could save a life or prevent a sexual abuse crime.
*****
*****
SOME
INTERESTING THOUGHTS, sent
in by Arnold White
"If they do it, it's terrorism, if we do it, it's
fighting for freedom." - Anthony Quainton, U.S. Ambassador to Nicaragua,
1984: Anthony Quainton - Source: Off the record response of the Ambassador to a
group of concerned U.S. citizens when asked to explain the difference between
U.S. government actions in Nicaragua and the violence it condemns as terrorism
elsewhere in the world.
It is in the nature of imperialism that citizens of the imperial power are
always among the last to know--or care--about circumstances in the colonies:
Bertrand Russell
The president has adopted a policy of 'anticipatory self-defense' that is
alarmingly similar to the policy that imperial Japan employed at Pearl Harbor,
on a date which, as an earlier American president said it would, lives in infamy.
Franklin D. Roosevelt was right, but today it is we Americans who live in
infamy: Arthur Schlesinger.
The aim of military training is not just to prepare men for battle, but to make
them long for it: Louis Simpson
I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who
have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who
cry aloud for blood, more vengeance, more desolation. Some of these young men
think that war is all glory but let me say war is all hell: William Tecumseh
Sherman.
OUR DOG ABBEY,
sent in by Chris Finer
Our dog Abbey
died Aug. 23, and the day after Abbey died, my four year old, Meredith, was SO upset. She wanted to write a letter to God so that
God would recognize Abbey in heaven. She told me what to write and I did. Then she put 2 pictures of Abbey in the
envelope. We addressed it to God
in Heaven, put two stamps on it (because, as she said, it could be a long way
to heaven). We put our return address on it, and I let her put it in the drop box at the post
office that afternoon. She was
absolutely sure that letter would get to heaven, and I wasn't about to disillusion
her. Then, on Labor Day, we took the kids to the museum in Austin, and when we
came home, there was a package wrapped in gold on our front porch. It was
addressed to Meredith so, she took it inside and opened it. Inside was a book,
When Your Pet Dies, by Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers).
On the front cover was the letter we had written to God, in
its envelope (opened). On the opposite page was one of the pictures of Abbey taped on the page. On the back
page was the other picture of
Abbey, and this handwritten note on pink paper:
"Dear Meredith, I know
that you will be happy to find out that Abbey arrived safely and soundly in
heaven. Having the pictures you
sent to me was a big help! I recognized Abbey right away.
You know, Meredith, she isn't
sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me (-just like it stays in your heart-)
young and running and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know.
Since we don't need our bodies in
heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep things in-- so I am sending you your beautiful letter back
with the pictures--so that you will have this little memory book to keep. One
of my angels is taking care of
this for me. I hope this little book will help. Thank you for your beautiful
letter. Thank your mother for sending it. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for
you. God
blesses you every day and remember, I love you very much. By
the way, I am in heaven and everywhere there is love.
Signed, God, and one of his special angels (who wrote
this letter after God told HER the
words)." How wonderful is
that! I never knew there were angels working at the post office.
LOVELETTERS FROM
FRIENDS, PALS, AND BUDS
From Pat Helms:
Dearest Shi,
With descriptive words like that, how in the world can I not
respect rain? I do love walking in it with no umbrella. love the feel of it. Now you have rattled my chain and yes, it
feels great afterward with a renewal feeling. So, today I will be
out in it. I will see
"sweet silver liquid life" and all thanks to you . Thank you
for such Love. Is Adammaria doing fine? Just sent you meditations
of bright orange, took a long time for me to clear it to magenta. Perhaps
you needed the healing along with the bright purple of Love? I am
still learning all about the "why" I see some colors and how to bring
the ones I want into my aura . So beautiful and hope you felt it!
I am out and about now to the Colerain side of this city. I will enjoy the rain we
have. Love you Shi!
***
From Steven McDaniel
Hi Brother,
I just found out today I am working next week on Thursday at the Tibetan
store uptown where I sell my shirts. The owner, and friend, asked me to
fill in for someone who is ill. Tuesday or Wednesday is open or we can
carry it over till the following week. Let me know.
Been reading Blake today. And having visions of insight. As
in
In Sight with no image. You know what I mean! Metaphors of
Light!
A lovely snow today. The weeping
of the world frozen into Beauty as if
I caught it there in those airy heavens, a magic of white crystals dancing out
of the upper seas, and down from the winds of the wings of nearby angels.
O great Spirit of Man, bless this grief that resurrects all of life in a dry
thirst for the simple light of your vast and fallen sky. Soon, the flood
of your wondrous being.
love to you my brother
***
Sweet Jewels of Love: Immortal Quotations from Sufis
***
There
is perhaps no better way to distill the teachings of Sufis than by direct
quotations from some of their own recognized masters. These are selfexplanatory, and so, appear here without
commentary. For these men and
women state great spiritual truths with crystal-clarity. Their own words cannot be
improved. The following are but a
micronanoparticle of the massive volume of Sufi literature: "Thou didst contrive this 'I' and
'we' so that Thou mightest play the 'game
of worship' with Thyself, that all 'I's' and 'thous' should become one
soul, and, at last, should be submerged in the Beloved."-- Rumi
(1150-1230)[1]
***
"Trust in God, but tie your camel's leg."--- Traditional
saying.
***
"Take
one step out of yourself to arrive at God."-- al-Khayr (967-1049)[2]
"If
you have never trodden the path of Love,É fall in LoveÉ."-- Jami
***
"There
is nothing other than God."-- al Khayr
***
"The
perfect mystic is neither an ecstatic devotee lost in contemplation of oneness
nor a 'saintly' recluse shunning all commerceÉ The true saint goes in and out
among the people-- eats and sleeps with them, buys and sells in the market,
marries and takes part in social intercourse, and never forgets God for a single
moment."
--
abu Sa'id
***
"Adorn
me with Your Unity, clothe me with Your Selfhood, raise me to Your
oneness."-- Abu Yazid (801-874)
***
"A
donkey with a load of holy books is still a donkey."-- traditional saying
***
Advice
to george bush: An unfair, greedy, ruler asked what kind of worship was
best. A sage told him, "Sleep
half the day so as not to injure the people."-- Sa'di
***
"Men
whose hearts are changed by money are not learned."-- al Ghazzali (died
1111)
"When
Your creatures see me, they may say, 'We have seen Thee, and Thou art
that.'"-- Abu Yazid
***
"When
you see beauty and perfection in this world, it is nothing but a sign of HimÉ.A beautiful
creature is merely a single
blossom from the vast garden of God."-Jami
***
"I
sloughed off my self as a snake sloughs off its skin."-- Abu Yazid
***
"No
one who possesses snow would find any hardship in exchanging it for jewelsÉ
This world is like snow,É [and it] continues to melt until it disappears
altogether. The next life is like
a precious jewel that never passes away."-- al Ghazzali
***
"I looked into my essential being, and saw that I am He."--
Abu Yazid
***
"If
I worship you from hope of Paradise, exclude me from Paradise. But if I worship You for your own sake,
do not withhold from me Your eternal beauty."
--
Rabiah
***
"This
servant is with God in all places, and no place is without him."-- Abu
Yazid
***
"Sufism
is good character. So, anyone who
has improved your character has improved your sufism."-- al-Kattani
***
"I am essentially one-- single, unencroachable by the least
object."
-- al-Alawi Mustafa (1869-1934)
***
"Whatever you have in your mind, forget it; whatever you have in
your hand, give
itÉ"
--
Abu Sa'id
***
"For
the inside, I am of Essence Itself.
My essence is the Essence of being-- now, always."-- al-Alawi
Mustafa
***
"The
lower self likes praise. It
continually enjoins a person to put on pretensions, so that people will
complement it. Indeed, there are
many worshipers and ascetics who are thus controlled by the lower self."--
Qushayri
***
"Union
and separation areÉ the same."-- al Alawi Mustafa
***
These
short quips are from the collection of traditional Sufi sayings.
"To
live more freely, borrow less."
"God
despises the tyrannically wealthyÉ"
"Do
not commit yourself to lengthy discussions of religionÉ"
"One
who suffers oppression and forgives the oppressor is the most favored for aid
from God."
"The
first stage of worship is silence."
"An
hour of contemplation is better than a year of prayer."
"The person who repents is like one
who has NEVER SINNED."
"True
wealth is not abundance of property, but a generous heart."
"Wealth
does not reside in the amount of one's property, but rather in one's absence of
need."
"Avoid greed, for greed is, in
itself, poverty."
"Moderate spending is half the earning." ***
"Annihilate your self gloriously and joyfully in Me."-- Attar
(died 1229)
***