LOVELIGHT

Magazine

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Vol. 1, no. 3

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INTRO TO OUR NEOZINE (EZINE, OR EMAG)

Lovelight magazine is a spiritual forum to allow free expression of ideas that are not “mainstream.” We are interested in small articles on spirituality, metaphysics, philosophy, religion, psychology, and some parapsychology. We are not interested in the presentation of any exclusive, belligerent, or judgmental religion, any that closes the doors of the heartmind. We are not interested in “channeled” material. And we are not interested in political material. But we are interested in spirituality presentations that highlight openmindedness, compassion, humor, tolerance, kindness, goodness, practicality, usefulness, cosmic principles, and great ideas from any and all spiritual traditions. Managing editors: Richard and Ada Maria Francis. Contributors to this issue (in alphabetical order): Mary “Maribee” Butler, Gail England, Gene Janning, Linda Jung, Michelle Lawson, Chris Michael, Jose Resendes, Joan Rosebrook, Ty Scharrer, and Susan Smith (Mooncat Dancing).

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A Few Words of Intro

In last month’s edition of Lovelight magazine, our brother Tom Gustin wrote an article on suicide that sparked so much interest that, this month, we made Maribee Butler’s “reply,” the “Feature Article.” We at Lovelight believe that variations in view can be as stimulating as perfect agreement. Tranquility is beautiful, but so are a few fire-works! We at U.L.T.R.A. are not “cookie-cutter” people. We have a wide-ranging, sometimes free-wheeling, spectrum of opinions!-- Richard Francis

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Suicide, by Maribee Butler

I'm writing in response to last month's article about suicide:

There is a distinction between committing suicide and the Soul’s choosing to leave the body at death. The difference is that the Soul is making an informed choice, as opposed to the ego-personality’s (conscious mind’s) desiring an escape. The Soul knows Love or God, knows its lessons, and knows that by enduring in this world of illusion it will grow. The personality, which believes the world is real, often acts from fear, anger, or despair. It is steeped in what is not real. In suicide, the personality prays that it will escape from its present pain through death, while the Soul knows death, is simply a transition in a continuing existence. There are different intentions. The Soul acts out of Love, and the personality, out of fear or despair. In those instances where someone sacrifices herself to save others, the objective is not death, but life. While death may be an outcome, that doesn't strike me as suicide.

Thirty years ago this February I attempted suicide, by turning on the gas oven in a rented two-room attic apartment. I passed out. When coming to, I felt as if I were sitting next to myself on the twin bed. The other self's message was "you don't really want to do this. You really don’t want to do this again." With sudden clarity, I understood that by killing myself, it would be necessary to go through all of the perceived pain of the previous 19 years one more time. I would have to get to the point of suicide once more, and then choose not to go through with it. There sat this other self shaking her head and saying, "No. Turn it off. You don't want to do this." I got up, turned off the gas, and immediately passed out once more.

It seems impossible that the room didn't blow into a ball of fire or that there was no evident brain damage The gas was strong enough to have knocked me out. It is a blessing and a miracle to have survived.

It wasn't unselfishness or self-sacrifice that prompted me to turn on that gas. It was despair. It was the arrogant belief that I had experienced enough in life to know that the misery and loneliness would never improve. It was the conviction that it was alright to escape, if living was too hard, combined with the mistaken idea that life was supposed to be just and fair, here and now!

It still took at least a decade for me to be willing to take the suicide "option" out of my back pocket and begin to live life fully. It took that long to commit to being in this world, and participating. Suicide was my easy "out" when life got difficult.

In the late 80's, I worked with Elizabeth, a quiet, sweet-natured woman in her mid-40's. We talked often about clinical depression, about ways to make life better, and about overcoming what appeared to be crisis after crisis. She said that I always seemed to land on my feet. At the time ,it was my third marriage, my husband had suffered a major heart attack, we were on the verge of bankruptcy, and panic-attacks were still a constant companion. What she saw on the outside was definitely not how it felt inside. She had what she believed were insurmountable financial problems. One morning, when returning home from an errand, I discovered a hang-up call on my answering machine. Elizabeth had carefully lined her mattress with plastic to protect it, overdosed on the antidepressants she stockpiled instead of ingesting, and died with the telephone in her hand.

Long gone, by then, was the 19 year-old girl who had believed that killing herself was a viable alternative to suffering. Now I was a 35 year-old woman experiencing someone else's suicide as a cruel, self-centered act! It left every survivor with enormous guilt.

Less than four years later, just grateful to be living, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. I found myself in the karmically ironic position of having to fight for this life, first through six months of chemotherapy treatment, and then, through a bone marrow transplant. Had I wanted to die, all that would have been necessary was to do nothing. But I had finally learned that it is a precious gift to have a body, no matter how difficult the journey. We are here to learn to love, to stretch our spiritual muscles, and to remember that appearances are not reality. This time, I struggled for life, and won!

I will be fifty years old this year. Life has brought with it perfectly tailored opportunities to grow into an understanding that was not possible at nineteen. Each day that I live, greater Love and more growth become possible. Had I succeeded in ending my life, I would have denied myself joys and experiences beyond my imagination. My death would not have come as a natural ending, and would have thrown loved ones into turmoil. Through some miracle of grace, I heard my Soul tell me it was not my time that day.

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U.L.T.R.A. ACTION AND NEWS!

Since August of 1995, we have been publishing our regular newsletter The Universal Love Teaching and Research Association (U.L.T.R.A.) Newsletter. This contains the latest developments, plans, projects, activities, and goals of Love Ministries, Inc., and of the Pneumarium Lovelight Center.

For those who do not know, the Pneumarium discussiongroup or family meets every two weeks in a lovely room in our garage called the “Pneumarium.” (This means, “Place of Spirit.”) Here, we share a two-hour discussion every other Sunday. We start at eleven, break for a shared lunch from between twelve and one, and continue our group session from one until two. This leaves most of your Sunday free. (We do not start until eleven because Sunday is the only day that some people have to sleep in later.) The format is q&a, open discussion, and lecture. These sessions are free, and open to anybody. So, please come, and please bring your questions and your friends!

As of this month, the info that we used to publish in the U.L.T.R.A. Newsletter will be printed in Lovelight magazine. This will include info about shared social events, fieldtrips, picnics, etc., and it will also share info about the publishing programs and publications of Love Ministries, Inc. It will also feature other public work, such as radioprograms, and related educational outreaches.

BULLETIN: After much regrettable delay, we have found a cheaper publisher with whom to work to produce at least some of our books. Our first, Falling in Love with Yourself: Love and the Inner Beloved, was published with the previous company at a cost of $12.50 paperback. It has now been completely reformatted as a smaller book, although nothing was deleted, and we are happy to announce that it can now be purchased from us at our wholesale price (the price that we must pay the publisher; we do not make any profit on these books), and that much lower price is $6.50 per book. So, please order from: rmfrancis@juno.com

Just a reminder: Please feel free to visit our website, loveministries.org, to see back issues of the Newsletter, as well as back-issues of Lovelight magazine. Also, feel free to access, free, or download, free, or to order, in softcover or hardcover, any of our books from this site.

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REVIEW: SPIRITUAL EDUCATIONAL BOOKS AVAILABLE FROM US

Just for your review and convenience, we have decided to compile this list of the latest books available from Love Ministries, Inc If it is convenient, please clip it and file it where access will be easy.

Journey to the Center of the Soul: Mysticism Made Simple

Falling in Love with Yourself: Love and the Inner Beloved

The Mystic Gospels of Jesus the Christ

Luminous Jewels of Love and Light, Volume 1, Parts I and II: “The Way of Universal Love,” revised, and “Superlove: A Thousand mystic Jewels from a Spiritual Megatrend

Luminous Jewels of Love and Light, Volume 2, Parts III-V, “The Gospel of Universal Love,” “The Book of the Great Mind and Its Expression,” and “You are My Everything: Commentaries on the Upanishads”

Luminous Ecstasies and Passions: Journeys into Afterlife. This is a novel about several people who die, and who are followed into the Afterlife. The cosmos which they inhabit, called the “Homeworld,” is described in great detail. A celebration of honorable sensuality and a real “feel good” book.

Jehovah Lives in Brooklyn: Jehovah’s Witnesses as a Model of Fundamentalism

Simplicity Made Simple: The Economics of Compassion

Jehovah, Good-bye: The “New Theism” of Love

Brother Bird, Sister Blossom: Meanderings of a Franciscan Taoist

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We are very sorry, but we must charge for these books. But you do not pay one cent more than we do for them. We do not make any profit on the sale of any of these books. Our only goal is to help educate people in vital areas of spirituality, not to make money. Please order from: rmfrancis@juno.com

Or from:

Love Ministries, Inc.

Maria and Richard Francis

5100 Liberty-Fairfield Rd

Liberty Township, Ohio 45011

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LOVE LETTERS FROM OUR GOOD SUPERB FRIENDS

Hello Dearest ...!

Have now printed out Lovelight to share with many.  The art called Meditation was beautiful, a really fun study of various feelings.  It is always so rewarding to be reminded to laugh and smile and just be silly.  Me thinks the world can work against this, and the reminder is wonderful.  The  Select Sacred Texts: From Old Tao-Text was more than enjoyable.  It makes me visualize the beauty and power of water now when [I am] trying to keep a soft "flow".

Thanks for all of my gems, and lights of Love,  they have been used up and used up and used up so keep sharing please.  .....starting to feel them again already....what power you have!   ....funny they said the same thing you did....that I am still not setting boundaries for myself and hence get drained.  They are glad though that I have no depression ....   Hummmmm,   dost thou think love bubbles and crystals out shine the darkness?

Precious Rainbows of Energy Colors Coming Your Way.......Catch Them Fast!

Loving You Big Time,   Panther [Pat Helms]

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Dear Richard,

I confess I hesitated writing this letter as I carefully pondered its syntax, morphology and terminology. I decided to follow the dictates of my conscience...

I forwarded the letters you sent me, although I believe [that] to have been an inconsequential effort. Let me explain:... I proceeded to call them “fake christians and bigots” for they accepted the violation of an Indian grave but [maintained as] “sacred thee grave of a white man....

...We accept terminology, such as “campaign rhetoric” as something else than “bull, deception, etc.”.... We are not offended when we are called “stupid” by the politicians. Let me give a small example:

...I still believe in the old latin maxim “numerus stultorum infinitus est”.

Now, Mr. Gustin’s piece on suicide:

1- The family whose father died. I couldn’t help noticing the “detail” that he was an engineer. I, also, noticed that two very important parameters were missing, i.e., velocity and visibility (he mention “foggy” but no estimated distance of assured clearance.)

...We all learn from our parents, teachers and friends techniques of coping. To think that this world was designed for us, humans, is a big mistake. Let me enumerate my reasons: there are predators, poisons, infectious agents (bacteria, virus, parasites, etc.), teratogens, carcinogens, mutagens, geophysical threats (earthquakes, maremotos, etc.) and atmospheric threats (hurricanes, tornados, rains causing floods, lightning, etc.). Is this a friendly environment?

...I am neither a psychologist nor a psychiatrist so I shall refrain from any extensive discussion concerning suicide. I have some ideas but they are totally independent from any religious or strict philosophical concepts. Sometime in the future we shall discuss them. This much I can tell you “heroes are sane people doing insane things” (I didn’t invent it).

Love,

Jose [Jose Resendes]

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From Cinda Miller, Scottsdale, Arizona:

Your newest publication "Brother Bird, Sister Blossom"

is wonderful. Words can be abusive and words can be

healing. The words in your book will be able to heal

those that have been abused by religion. It's hard

to keep a copy for myself. People are drawn to it, and,

when told what it's about, they want one for

themselves. Even those that are still within the

religious structure will find this book as true

spirituality.

You did a great job.

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From Gail England:

...You know about this book [Brother Bird, Sister Blossom].  I, of course would like everyone I run into to have a copy....  Some of the places I would love to see this placed is... the hospital "waiting" rooms.... 

While I was there, I so wished I had the book on me to read.  It would have been very calming, and helped me to let go.  

...People are stumbling around,... grasping at straws and support.  The book could be given to the hospital, and then stamped with its name so the [copies donated] would remain.  And if someone took it, wouldn't that be grand, it would mean they really wanted to read what was in it.... 

It seems that a lot of people that I talk with are "seeking".... 

This book, for me, is like taking a "drink of water".  I can drink as much as I want, or I can take only what I need.  What is nice is that [there] is a [quick] "ending" to the short readings.... 

It seems there is a "new wave", and the baby boomers are desperate and running from what they were taught.  Their children need something,... I wonder what they will do when their fantasy worlds crash and they had not learned how to cope....  What I had learned from you [about] "pure love" and loving myself got me through without falling apart. 

 ... I have always searched to know God, as far back as I can remember.... 

This book is awesome....

Flowersun

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From Michelle Lawson, Scarborough, Maine:

...Anyway, I want to thank you so much for sending me, Brother Bird, Sister Blossom and[the children’s book] Kami and Kamu: A love so true-blue.  I love to pick up Brother Bird, Sister Blossom and just read a section at a time.  I don't think it's meant to be read page to page...  It needs to be read slowly so you can process and reflect on each section.  If read too fast I don't think you can pick up all of the wonderful life lessons there are to learn.  You did a wonderful job!...

Keep up the wonderful work on the ezine and our Yahoo group.  I enjoy both so much... 

Love to you always,
Michelle

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From Linda Jung:

WEALTH, SUCCESS, AND LOVE: AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS...

A woman saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said, "You must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat." In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.

"Please go invite them in!" he said.

She went out and invited them in.

"We do not go into a House together," they replied.

“Why?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said, pointing to another one,"He is Success, and I am Love. Now, please go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

She went in and told her husband. He was overjoyed. "Let’s invite Wealth!”

She disagreed. "Why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter said, "Wouldn’t it be better to invite Love?”

"She’s right!” they said. "Please go out and invite Love to be our guest."

She went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, she asked Wealth and Success: "I invited only Love. Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"

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Here is our wish for you:

Where there is pain, we wish you peace and mercy.

Where there is self-doubting, we wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.

Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, we wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.

Where there is fear, we wish you love, and courage.

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The $20 Bill

A speaker started his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He crumpled up the $20 bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. He replied, "What if I do this?" He dropped it, and ground it into the floor. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. He said, “We have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are priceless to those who Love you! The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by who we are. You are special-- Don't ever forget it! -- Submitted by Mary McLocklin

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Ten Suggestions for a Brighter Future

1. Try to understand why life does not seem always fair. Seek the placidity to accept what  you must, and the courage to change what  you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

2. Think before you act or speak. Count to ten, especially if you are aries, leo, or sagittarius. A moment of carelessness can cause years of regret.

3. Look at only the things that you do have, never at the things that you do not. Try to see the beauty in all things and persons. Remind yourself that it is all created by a perfect Mind, and so, is all good.

4. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude for what you have-- the friends,
     the opportunities, the material things of beauty.

5. Try always to have the maximum fun! Nature created us with dozens of pleasure-centers in our brains, and forty-seven miles of nervous system! We were created to enjoy our senses!

6. Do something you love, at every opportunity! Try to love something that is good for others, and for the planet! Then, throw your whole self into it as often, and as long, as possible!

7. Let, with grace and refinement, each person make her own adult choices, and live in her own way. Smile and enjoy those who are different!

8. Forgive everyone, love everyone, serve everyone. Release those who have wronged you. If not, you will hurt, not them, but only yourself. Why should an “enemy” control your mind? Why should you give her the power to steal your pleasure?

9. Learn from everyone and everything. Try to see even fools as teachers, for learning how not to do things is an important way to learn the right way to do them. Always stay open to new sources of input and education.

10. Never forget to dream. For everything good starts with a vision or dream. Dare to dream as big as you can! It is better to do one little thing every day to make your dreams come true than to just sit and dream, better to lay one brick than to dream of a thousand castles.--based on material submitted by Mooncat Dancing [Susan Smith]

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All you need is love!

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SMILE: HUMORTHERAPY FROM AND FOR THE GOOD HEART ! :)

Suggested Articles for the New York Times:

Pope Confirms his Catholicism.***Why fish are shiny: The same thing happens when you apply mercury to a coin. *** George Bush Goes to Mars: “There be Oil in Them Their Rocks, Amigos.” ***Al Gore: “Winter Home in Florida? Hell No!” ***Mystery: Where is Dick Cheney?

Wayne the painter was interested in saving a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint. The Baptist Church decided to do a restoration on one of its biggest buildings. Wayne got the job.

He bought the paint, thinning it down with turpentine. Suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne off the scaffold, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne knew that this was a sign of disapproval from the “Almighty,” so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

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These analogies and metaphors were found in high school essays.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.*** His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.*** She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian ground beef.*** She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.*** Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.*** He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.*** The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.*** The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.*** McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.*** From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.*** The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.*** Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.*** John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.*** He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.*** The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.*** He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame -- maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.*** The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.*** It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.*** He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.*** She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.*** She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.*** Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like an old thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.*** It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

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Here is a political fact:

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government, education and in corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.***2. Changing riders.***3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.***4. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be more productive.***5. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired.”***6. Hiring outside contractors to lift the dead horse and move its legs.***7. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.***8. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.***9. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.***10. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.***11. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. And ***12. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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Ty calls himself “Gator,” and collects humorous items for his friends which he generously supplies to a wide network. If you have any funny stuff he’d probably like to read it! :) So, please send only your good stuff to: gatorden@concentric.net

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From: Linda Jung

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and Ididn't! ***2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.***3) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.***4) Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.***5) Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.***6) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.***7) Out of body; back in five minutes.*** 8) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.***9) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.***10) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.***11) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?***12) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.***13) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!***14) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.***15) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.***16) They call it “pms” because “mad cow disease” was already taken.***17) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.***18) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.***19) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.***20) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

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WHY DOGS ARE “MAN’S BEST FRIEND”

Sent by Gene Janning:

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.***2. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.***3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.***4. A dog's parents never visit.***5.Dogs do not hate their bodies.***6.Dogs seldom outlive you.***7. Dogs can't talk.***8. Dogs enjoy petting in public.***9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.***10. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.***11. Another man will seldom steal your dog.***12. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?”***13. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.***14. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.***15. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.***16.Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.***17. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

***

Also from Gene Janning

NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door whether they could spend the night.

The lady said, "I realize it's terrible weather out there; and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed. I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said.  "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.  They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.  He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?" 

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.  "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.  I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(Thought that the ending was going to be different, didn’t you? Now, keep that smile for the rest of the day!:)

POINTS TO PONDER (NOT!)

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Now Keep that SMILE

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THINGS TO PONDER (NOT!)

1. When I was young we used to go skinny dipping now I just “chunkydunk.”***2. Why do you have to put your “two cents in,” but it's only “a penny for your thoughts”? Where did that other penny go?***3. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?***4. How is it that we put a person on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?***5. Why is it that people say that they “slept like a baby,” when babies wake up

like every two hours?*** 6. Why do people pay to go up to the top of tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?***7. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?***8. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does she/he call?*** 9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 10. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize that you haven't fallen asleep yet.*** 11. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

-- submitted by Gene Janning

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From Joan Rosebrook and Chris Michael:

USEFUL AND UNEXPECTED PRACTICAL STUFF:

Beer conditions hair. So do Cool Whip and mayonnaise. The latter also kills lice. Pam cooking spray dries fingernail polish. As a facial mask, try Elmer’s Glue; spread it on the face, let it dry, and peel it off with blackheads and other impurities. Brewed Lipton Tea produces shiny hair. For sunburn, empty large jar of Nestea into bathwater. Try Colgate or Crest on minor burns. For burns on tongue, try sugar. For arthritis, spray wd-40 and rub. (Good for insect stings too.) For beestings, try meatenderizer. Try Preparation H on chigger bites. Also, use on puffy eyes. Use superglue on papercuts. Jell-o powder for smelly feet. Cornstarch for athlete’s feet. Vick’s VapoRub for nail-fungus. (Also, Listerine.) To clean dishwasher pipes, try Kool-Aid. (Put in detergent section and cycle.) Also, cleans toilets. Use it in plain yogurt as fingerpaint, and it is nontoxic. Remove scratches from cd’s with peanutbutter. (Wipe with coffee-filter paper.) Try Pam on sticking bicycle-chain. Also removes paint/grease from hands. Peanutbutter removes ink from doll-faces. Pour on vinegar for heavy dandruff. Mix Crisco with foodcoloring for bodypaint. Tie-dye tee-shirts wih Kool-Aid. To preserve a newspaper-clipping: Mix large bottle of clubsoda with cup of milk of magnesia; soak for twenty minutes. Let dry; will last for years. A slinky can be used to hold cd’s. To prevent fogging of glasses, coat with Colgate. Wine stains-- pour on Morton Salt, and watch it absorb! To remove wax, place papertowel over stain, and iron. Use peanutbutter to remove labels from glassware. Baked-on food, get a Bounce papersoftener, fill container with water, soak overnight. Or try two Efferdent tablets, overnight. Colgate for crayon on the wall. Try Listerine for dirty grout. Colgate for clothes-stains. Karo Syrup for grasstains. CocaCola for grease stains. Overnight, will remove grease-stains from driveway. For fleas in carpet, try Twenty Mule Team Borax. Sprinkle, let stand for twenty-four hours. Fresh cut flowers, add Clorox or two aspirins to the water. To find fresh bread, the ties on bread-wrappers are color-coded. Here are the colors and the days of delivery: For bread delivered on Monday, the twists or closures are blue; Tuesday, green; Thursday, red; Friday, white, and Saturday, yellow. (Colors are in alphabetical order.) Take one part white vinegar to five parts water, and run through hair after washing.  Rinse immediately. Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately. Before you head to the store for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of Altoids peppermints.  They'll clear up your stuffed nose. Achy muscles from a bout with the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil. Sore Throat?  Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1Tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka- Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly. Honey remedy for skin blemishes: Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. Easy eyeglass protection: To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. Coca-Cola cure for rust: Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer: If menacing bees, wasps, hornets or yellow jackets get in your home, and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. Smart splinter remover: Just pour a drop of Elmers Glue all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. Hunt's tomato paste boil cure. Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. Balm for broken blisters: To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine, a powerful antiseptic, and Heinz vinegar. To heal bruises: Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar, and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness, and speeds up the healing process. Kills fleas instantly: Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Rainy day cure for dog odor: Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,
instantly making  your dog smell springtime fresh. Eliminate ear mites: All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3  days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates  healing. Vaseline cure for hair balls: To prevent troublesome hair balls, apply a  dollop of Vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick off  the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system. Quaker Oats for fast pain relief: It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2  cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply to your hands for soothing  relief from arthritis pain.